#obsessed: Stay High (Habits Remix) – Tove Lo ft. Hippie Sabotage

One of the little things I enjoy when my family is out for the day is being able to play music from the little radio/alarm clock/speaker device I keep on my chiffonier. The sound quality isn't the best, but the music fills the room and still feels distant and mysterious at the same time. I came upon this song in my art teacher's classroom, and later again through Spotify radio.

The stress of college apps has been making me panicky and anxious, but at the end of the day, when I have no energy left to panic, everything just feels empty. This worries me, because I don't want to be depressed again, but the feeling of depression is so familiar that it almost seems comforting. This song echoes the isolation and desire to escape, and I've been playing it on loop for days.

I don't think my viewpoint quite exactly lines up with the literal interpretation of the song. I see the meaning more as someone finding him or herself in a new, unfamiliar situation, and must stay happy all the time, or he/she defaults back to thinking about the things he/she misses. In the video, the girl uses alcohol as her escape and coping mechanism. And if the video is an adequate semblance of what it's like to be drunk, I will say, it doesn't seem fun.

I'll be clear, I do not drink or do drugs, nor do I think they're any good, but I respect other people's rights to choose for themselves. Just know that if I harass you about it (you know who you are), it's because I genuinely care about your safety and wellbeing, even if I'm definitely overreacting a bit.

Having had depression, when everything is numb and empty, I understand the appeal of having a magical substance that can help one let go of insecurities, forget worries, and be happy for a while. It's oh-so easy, so tempting, but the feeling doesn't last forever. It fills you up, but it's hollow, meaningless. Everything is just as bad as it was, but you just don't feel it. You only feel happy. If depression robs a person of their ability to decide what to feel, I don't see how drinking is any different, even if the feeling it gives is happiness instead of emptiness. I value my free will too much to allow myself to depend on anything that provides instant, ephemeral relief (which is one of the reasons I chose not to take antidepressants). No matter what, I need to be able to feel an unfiltered range of emotions – happiness, sadness, pain, exuberance, and everything in between. I want to be able to choose what to feel, nothing else should make that decision for me, and that's what I believe is the ideal human state.

If you do drink, and you're underage, please stay safe, and if you don't, don't worry, plenty of people don't either. And if you change your mind later, make sure you stay within the limits of what makes you comfortable. It's up to you to decide what you want.

TL;DR – I prefer to be in control of my feelings at all times, which is why I don't drink, but if you do, that's your choice, just please stay safe. ◊