I think I'm getting a day of silence to work today. My mother and brother are finishing up their last yells in the house before leaving for a basketball game. It's frustrating, and knowing that I should care about these disagreements is making me irritated, because I really don't want to. I'm done with it.
I've gotten a decent amount of work done, or I have the potential to get it done right away. I woke up and did some thinking, had a stroke of inspiration, and then became grumpy because I didn't want to get out of bed to write it down. But then I realized that my computer was right next to me; I had been working last night until the minute that I had fallen asleep. I wrote it all down – I talk about the introvert of colleges – and I'm going to flesh out that idea in sentences. Get that draft done, send it to friend to edit. Lather, rinse, and repeat for eight other schools, thirty-two other essays or questions. Words are wonderful, especially in my head, but sometimes they get stuck on the way to the paper, and I'm not sure how to work out that jam. Let if flow, let it flow, let it flow.
I think I should try writing on paper again. It helps me think. The ink glides on a smooth, white surface, the effort translates into lines, which translates into communication. Just ideas to begin with, in my head, but now they are out in the world. Everything is interesting when you think about it enough. That's what people are lacking. They don't think until they stop and take drugs to make them think, and then they think the drugs are good. That doesn't make sense to me. Just use your head, it's not that hard.
A lot of things don't make sense to me. I don't understand why they're necessary. I don't understand why I don't understand it either. None of this is making much sense to me, so it's probably not making sense to you if you're reading it, but that's ok. I like thinking like this. It's a funny way of working things out.
My friend told me that I have an arbitrary yet concrete sense of morals. He said it wasn't a good thing, which, in a way, it isn't. My life is the strangest of contradictions. Most people say that it's not possible to be artistic/creative and analytical at the same time, yet it makes perfect sense to me. I am a dreamer and idealist, yet a cynical realist as well. You need creativity to create innovative, effective solutions for a problem. They are not mutually exclusive to me, but for most, it's one or the other. What a boring way to view the world, in binaries. When things are mixed, that's when they are interesting.
"CASSIO: Not tonight, good Iago. I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could well wish courtesy would invent some other custom of entertainment." I agree. I could say "I concur" but that seems unnecessarily pretentious. Complications are not my style. If something can be understood efficiently in simple language, why not? Language is rich, words are delicious in my head, to think and speak, but if you ate a nine course meal every day of your life, it wouldn't be very pleasant. It takes too much time to prepare, consume, and digest. I don't have the luxury of time.
I'm sitting here on the corner of my bed in sweatpants. It's an old pair, with an ink stain on the left thigh. The last time I put these on, the hems dragged along the floor. They fit perfectly now, but they've lost a bit of charm – still comfortable though.
The counselor came yesterday and did some things to try to help, but we agreed that it's not really going to change at home. I find my parents to be very immature in the way they act and interact, and it was a surreal moment when I realized that. I still don't know what to make of it. I do know that talking to the counselor is very helpful, and I think I'm more comfortable being myself in this situation, because I am able to make a stand against what is wrong, even if there isn't any thing I can really do about it.
The counselor said I should be more spontaneous. I live a very structured and organized life (or I try to) because there are so many things I can't control, and taking control over the things I can control keeps me sane. But spontaneity is good too. The other day, my friend asked if I wanted to go to get ice cream. I wanted to say yes, but I was terrified of two things. One, society is very frightening. I don't know what's going to happen out there. But two, I was afraid of how my parents would react if they came home and I was missing. They complain that I don't have friends or a social life, but when I go out, they complain that I'm not focused on my work. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I can't let that stop me, because then I'll become an agoraphobic cat lady at age 30. To be honest, I'd be okay with that, but it's not the ideal life I want. It took a while to convince myself, but I did go and get ice cream. Mint chocolate chip is delicious.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair.
But remember Rapunzel, you can't always keep it down and let others climb on it, otherwise what are you going to do for yourself?
It's almost time for lunch. I have chili and cheese, but no tortillas. I have bacon, but no eggs. I have baked salmon, but no rice. We have food all the time, but there's nothing to eat.
I've gotten a lot of work done for the middle school speech program. Everything is all sorted out into a near perfect system. I feel very accomplished, but things get thrown at me out of nowhere, and then I have to react quickly. NJFL memberships have doubled in price. Luckily, I'm a pretty good problem solver. This one is an easy fix.
My room is still in disarray. Two posters, covered in to-do lists, have fallen down. I think I might just throw them out. It's time to have a fresh start. But not everything can be started over.
I've got a ton of notes down for what I'm going to do in the future. They say "Do it now!" but it's actually not possible. Society has constructs, there are limits based on time, another human construct, and as a member of society, I must obey those constructs. But I came to the important realization that behind every system, there are people. Anything can change, because people can change. I can fight the system, I can fight the system, I can fight the system, as long as I'm willing to talk to people. This is important. Behind all systems, there are people.
There is so much meaning in words. I can say something, and the way I say it says something about what I'm saying as well. Everything makes sense if you think it about enough. I just don't have the luxury of time. ◊
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