2015 Focus: Mindful Body Wellness

This year I want to be pretty.

Let me preface this by saying that I do not have body dysmorphic disorder as far as I know of. I'm actually quite happy with who I am at the moment – intellectually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Of course, some of things are still a little bit shaky, but I'm generally a lot more stable in those aspects than I was, say, a month or half a year ago. But I want to make some changes. Life is always about moving forward and making positive changes. Maybe it is because I'm a little insecure on the inside, but who isn't? And I say, "I want to be pretty," more as a "putting conscientious effort into my appearance" way than a "I'm ugly right now" kind of way. If that makes any sense.

Anyhow, I've been thinking about this, and sure, inner beauty is great and all, but I totally want to be one of those "yoga on the beach at sunset" people. It must be so great to have the time for that, but since I don't have that luxury, I'll start small, maybe just by putting more effort into my my outwards appearance. It's not only about makeup and clothing, but actually treating myself right, physically or health-wise. Sure, body positivity and loving who you are is great, but you're really not loving yourself if you're leaving your body to rot with a crappy lifestyle. That's my own concern about the body positivity movement, that its message can be skewed or misconstrued towards loving yourself as you are no matter what instead of encouraging people to take care of themselves and work towards better health.

This is an idea that has been consistently at the back of my mind for a while, but today, I rediscovered Inthefrow, who basically has my dream life as far as I can tell. She has purple hair, works as a blogger, lives in London, and models on the side. At first I thought, "Wow, she is so lucky that she gets to live off of her looks," but then I read that she has a Ph.D. on her about page, and my life kind of felt like crap again, but it was also strangely motivating. There's nothing that says I can't work towards that lifestyle. Once I have the full freedom and independence to live my life, I'll have so many more options, but there are still plenty of things that I can do now.

For me, that consists of three things: skin care, eating right, and exercise. I'd like to invest in some more beauty products and do reviews on them as I go. Most of these will probably be skin care products, like washes, face masks, and toners etc, as my combination skin annoys me to no end. I thought about doing a "Makeup Monday" type thing, similar to "Food Friday" but I wouldn't be consistent enough for that. Then again I haven't been keeping up with Food Friday either, mostly because the food stuff happens on the weekend, so then I have to wait a week to post about food on Friday, and then I forget.

With food, I have no authority over my family's shopping habits at the moment, but when I do, I am totally down for the salad and avocado and carrot stick type of food thing (I hesitate to say the word "diet" because that implies a short term phase). No, it's not that I want to torture myself by forcing myself to be vegetarian (trust me, I've tried). It works for some people, but definitely not for me. However, I genuinely enjoy the taste of fresh, healthy food. It makes me feel good on the inside, and I'm always in a better mood after a salad. As for exercise, I don't have the time to do anything extreme. I've even decided to stop swimming for the school as speech and art are taking up more of my day. But I do want to be toned and healthy so I have more energy throughout the day.

Simply put, I want to have more control over my life, so for the time being, I will pursue endeavors that I do have control over, such as my personal health and appearance. I wanna be like Kanye. I'll be the King of me always. Do what I want and have it my way. All day, like Kanye-eah, yeah, yeah.

Or so goes the second song by the Chainsmokers (artists behind the [in]famous #SELFIE). On their Soundcloud, they say that, "This song is about doing you, living life how you want to live it and not giving a f*ck what anyone else thinks," and I think that sounds about right. I want to own my life. Do things my way. I've been terrified by what other people think of me for too long, and I've suffocated in the process. And this time, it won't be a sudden 180˚. It's going to take time. I'm going to take small steps. But I think it's going to be worth it.

So I want to be pretty. Depending on how you interpret that, it could be a good or bad thing. But I'm going to treat myself right, because I have been through a lot of crap, and I need that support from myself. I am allowed to pamper myself, even be a little bit vain, perhaps. I am allowed to love who I am, and I'm allowed to change who I am so I can love myself better. And that's my goal for this year.

(Warning: don't be offput by the SELFIE stuff going on at the beginning. It's a good song. I promise.)  ◊