Motivated

I am writing this after hours of wallowing in self pity and crippling overthinking. An aspect of social anxiety is always feeling confused about my friends and who I am and wondering how much I really matter to people. I often end up feeling like I should isolate or just drop everything and run to feel something again. Everything is stagnant, limbo, especially as I am also awaiting inevitable rejections. I was so bogged down by these fears that I simply could not bring myself to do anything.

Then suddenly I had a burst of motivational energy.

Most of it was due to my beloved Hyperbole and a Half book (I think I'm definitely taking it with me to college). I open it up, and there I see the "Maybe Everything Isn't Hopeless Bullshit" panel of Depression Part Two, and suddenly I feel okay. Maybe everything isn't hopeless bullshit.

Another part is the Misterwives album, Our Own House. I would describe it as "indie pop" but I don't know if it truly falls under that genre. It's happy and positive, but also has a free, relaxed feel. I've been enjoying it a lot lately, and the lyrics really resonate with me. And I love the lead singer, Mandy Lee's, hair. I wish I had more time to take care of my hair, and I wish it was easier to style, but it is what it is, so I can deal with that.

I've concluded that I'm not in a place where I can pursue my dreams yet, and that's absolutely, unequivocally okay. I am allowed to have time until I feel ready to break out of my shell. A premature chicken cannot hatch from an egg. That's not unfair, that's just nature.

As for college, the decisions have already been made; I can't change it, so there's no point in worrying. I'll do the best I can with what I have, and when I view it objectively and not through a negative emotional filter, I'm doing okay, I really am. I just have to remember that instead of being beaten down by the dementors that prey on my insecurities and worries.

Yea, life could be better. I lack money for a lot of changes in my life, and even if I have money, I still lack time. True, there are people more exceptional than me who are younger than me, but after a childhood of thinking I was exceptionally gifted, I am slowly beginning to accept that I am average, and average is a pretty solid base to build an identity on. I'll be spectacular some day, but for now, I'm going to take care of my issues and sorting some things out so I have a plane of existence on which to identify what normal is.

Once again, I want to remind myself to be actively aware of what I'm feeling and to catch the times when I'm being my own worst enemy. There are a lot of things that I am solely responsible for doing or preventing myself from doing, and wallowing in self pity is one of them. I have a future, and I can do anything I want to shape it to the best of my abilities. If I want it, I am going to go get it. ◊