I Do What I Want

There's something about bleeding out between the legs that makes one confront the inherent futility of human hopes and aspirations. The confines of an earthly existence dictate that the function of my body is to reproduce, and if that is not a desirable goal for me, then really, what is the point? Right now what I overwhelmingly want is to leave everything behind and travel the world. Is that sustainable? Is that even what I really want?

I'm tired of waiting for my life to begin: after this essay, after this semester, after this year, after graduating, after working for two years, after grad school, after ever after. Why do I rarely feel like I'm enjoying life right now? I'm scared I'm going to waste my life away waiting for the time to finally feel ready to do the things I want, and end up like this Humans of New York post:


Every so often, when I am faced with overwhelming stress, I confront this crisis. Luckily, having experienced it time and time again, I am certain of two fundamental conclusions: the meaning of life is to be happy (however you may define that), and everything will be okay. After finishing three midterm essays this week and waking up the next morning with new Lorde to listen to, I realize that it's not an issue of having time to do what I want. It's a habit — a lifestyle. Right now even though I have time to do what I want, I don't even know what to do. So from this point forward, I want to commit to doing what I want, even if I feel like I don't have time. I shouldn't deprive myself of the little things that make me happy just because I feel obligated to do work all the time. The time will still pass, the assignments will still be completed, albeit a bit later, but those missed opportunities will never come back. I can be busy and miserable about it, or be busy and enjoy what I can. After all, I'm still in a point in my life where I have a safety net to fall back onto if anything does go terribly wrong. Carpe diem, go for your goals, live boldly, it doesn't matter how you phrase it, the point is to not let life slip away waiting for the next break. I'm hoping I can embrace that lifestyle and enjoy life in the moment. ◊