Ingrid Goes West

I started this post a year ago (5/5/2019!) after settling down for a day to watch Ingrid Goes West. I don't even know how this movie had crossed my mind, but it seemed familiar as it stars Aubrey Plaza, in a role very different than that of her Parks and Rec character, and Elizabeth Olsen, who I love in the Marvel movies. I'm not here to offer a critique or synopsis of the movie, though I do recommend it. I might have to rewatch it to figure out what I meant by some of the commentary I wrote a year ago. For example, "Quite frankly, I'm very tired despite not doing anything or going anywhere all day, and I'm dreading the thought of hitting "Publish" on a post that I know is sub-par, writing quality-wise." This much is still true, except now we are in the middle of a coronavirus induced stay-at-home order. Times change, but apparently a lot of things in my life stay the same. Unedited text from last year's draft will be italicized for context.

What I do want to do is explore some thoughts re: the key message of the film as a critique of social media, particularly Instagram. I vaguely remember using Instagram a long long time ago, and even then, barely engaging. But even without Instagram, I see startling similarities in my life to Ingrid's, in that the inability to connect in real life leads to a crippling dependence on my phone. This of course is a key driver to the plot of the movie, but what separates Ingrid and me is the film's key message: the condemnation of the influencers and influences.

There are no heroes in the story. Ingrid, determined to find the joy she sees splashed across her Insta feed, psychotically copies the life of Taylor, her muse, but when Ingrid is exposed for her fraud, she realizes that Taylor's life is just as superficially constructed. Authenticity is a sham! Unexpectedly, her disillusioned suicide attempt brings her the online attention and validation she had hoped to gain by copying Taylor's lifestyle. The film ends abruptly — Ingrid's desire for influence is fulfilled, but not the bigger question of dependence on social media.

Such is the way of the social media profile. To craft a persona, to build an identity — who cares if none of it is really how it is all the time. That aspirational highlight reel designed to inspire jealousy and sell a product; it's easy to get caught up. After all, who doesn't wish their life were picture perfect?

I've restarted using Instagram in an effort to stay connected to friends during the COVID-19 quarantine. In a way, the lockdown has been good for my social anxiety, since I don't find myself mired in FOMO and guilt over not being as social as I think I should be. Everyone else is presumably doing the same thing I am, which is staying at home doing nothing. I've also found myself with more time on my hands than I really know what to do with. The job I was supposed to start at the beginning of April didn't work out because of corona-times, among other reasons. I'm not too anxious about this either, since a lot of people are also now unemployed due to the crisis. As far as joblessness goes, this is actually one of the best times to be unemployed.

But this extra time has forced me once again to reflect on who I am and what I want. The brief foray into consulting was clearly a wrong move. Though the two month gap on my resume feels awkward, I'm glad I had that experience sooner than later. I can't imagine going into consulting and hating it at a later point in my career. I feel reassured that education policy advocacy is the right field for me at this time, but the opportunities are so limited for where I want to be. I'm not an entry level applicant anymore, but I'm nowhere near experienced enough to be an independent advocate or high level director. Maybe I should take a step back and consider grad school more seriously for this year. Maybe I should consider going into teaching (a whole other mess unto itself).

Thankfully, there are things outside of work that I have had time to explore to expand my personal interests. I started an apartment garden in a planter on the second floor walkway outside my door. My room is filled with ferns and plants. I've been painting again, starting with portraits of all of my friends' cats. If I can get around to it, I want to clean up, fix, and ride my bike more. And of course, I'm getting back into blogging. These things are genuine expressions of my identity that I'm growing into, not just the travel and polaroids with friends memorialized on my Instagram.

Moreover, I want to be clear that this blog should not be taken as a means of influence either. I've had a friend recommend that I could do thinkpieces and discuss my ideas if I want more people to read this blog, but that's not the point. This blog is not about finding myself. This blog is about making myself. I am a brand new person, free to be and believe and do and love and explore whatever I like. I am neither trying to influence anyone or be influenced by anyone. My life is an open book that few people will ever find or read. The purpose of this blog is to express my thoughts in conversation with myself, a digital diary to capture my exact state of mind at a point in time, and to dull the aching grind of the process of living a bit. This blog reaffirms my internal validation, that I myself am enough, with or without being seen by other people, for better or for worse. I can be meaningful, without feeling like I need to be more than I am. ◊