My Life?

Sometimes I like to think about my life. No, not in that weird existentialist way. I've had plenty of that. Just mulling over the nuances of all the situations I've been in, the people I've met, the things that make me, me.

I'll be honest. There are times when I hate to be myself. I'm disappointed that I all I've managed to accomplish thus far in my life is that I've proven myself to be slightly above average in intelligence compared to my peers. There are people younger than I am, inventing cancer detection tests, devising solutions to aid the energy crisis, experiencing life in all its vivid potency, while I sit at home and read about them.

But reading about them won't help. Neither will sitting at my desk, doing nothing day after day because the darkness refuses to leave. But those people had their opportunities, circumstances, and experiences. There is no way that I can compare myself to them. The situation I'm in has all kinds of factors that contributed. The depressed person that I am right now is best dealt with as a separate entity; that's not me, and I refuse to believe that I will ever be just that. Sure, life is full of pointless b.s. but it's not ALL pointless b.s. There will come a time when I will be in a better place, have a better state of mind, and feel a greater sense of fulfillment. Right now might not be it, but it will come.

Part of the reason is that I'm scared. The world is a vast, lonely place. There are kind people, but also mean people. There are many problems, both individual and national. Despite this frightening outlook, it is important to take a step back and look at a the situation from a more personalized standpoint. It's not up to me to solve the world's problems. Everyone contributes. One person might not have 100% of the solution, but if 100 people have 1% of the solution, then that's enough. Which is why I'm glad to have opened up to people about what I'm going through, and in turn, found out things about people that I otherwise would never have known. Establishing human connections, and realizing that one is not the center of a desolate universe, gives me the strength to keep going.

Persistence is hard though. Life will continue with or without me. But unimportance is a blessing. I don't have the obligation to do anything that will change the world. That power is alluring, but terrifying. Without that duty, I can live, and live with purpose and verve. I can live a life all to my own, one that is not clouded with other people's judgements, because they don't need to matter. If a relationship must end, so be it. I don't need everyone to love me. Only the ones that matter. It's my life, and I am will decide how to live it.

I accept where I am right now. I know that opinion may change. But I refuse to give up.

It's time to begin.

This was supposed to be a lighthearted post about pancakes and chalk drawings. Really. Oh well.