Today was a good day. A lot of people on Tumblr have also been saying it's a good day, so I'm happy for all of us that have enjoyed today, because sometimes you really just have to stop and appreciate the good days in life. For me, it's also been quite busy, but collectively the high points far outweigh the stress.
The first point was in Stats class. We were separated into groups to go over the answers of the multiple choice section of the final exam, using each others' answers to figure out the correct answers for the ones we got wrong. At one point there was a question that none of us got right, and since there was no answer key, there was apparently no way to figure out the right answer, until I remembered the process of elimination. We each had a different wrong answer and by eliminating all of those, we found "A" to be the correct answer. It was the tiniest accomplishment but I was ecstatic.
Secondly, I bring Starbucks Via packets to sometimes make coffee for myself during brunch and I add creamer that Mrs. Rapoport generously provides. On Thursday she was running out, and I had a huge bottle of it at home, so we agreed that I might as well bring it to use exclusively at school (I don't wake up early enough in the morning to make coffee and drink it). We were all insanely stressed and sleep deprived over AP Art portfolios so coffee was a must, but since Mrs. Rap had no creamer, she wasn't able to have coffee that morning. When I pulled out the bottle of creamer, she said it made her day, which made me so happy to hear, because I do love it when I am able to help people. It just goes to show that something that doesn't mean much to you might mean the world to someone else, and it doesn't cost much to make the world a better place, a little at a time.
Going off of the previous one, we all did end up submitting the AP Art portfolio on time. It's a huge load off of my chest, because it's the only AP test that I actually have to fully complete to get credit. For the upcoming tests (bio and stats) next week, all I have to do is show up, and even if I don't answer some of the questions, I can still get a good score. I'm not too worried about those because I don't think Berkeley takes full credit for all of them, so this weekend, I'll study a bit, but mostly relax and catch up on sleep.
On a side note, the art show was today and it was a huge success. I helped a little, but it was mostly the art TAs that set it up while the rest of us were doing our AP portfolios. It was pretty late in the evening, so everyone was starving; Diana and I went on a Costco run to order everyone food. I actually almost paid in exact change, but mistakenly used a 8.25% tax rate instead of an 8.75% tax rate, so I was short two cents. As a perfectionist, that was quite irritating, but now I know, and I will get it right the next time. On the plus side, they did accidentally give me an extra drink, so Diana was also able to have juice. We've frequently been getting free stuff when we go out for food together, so that is a trend that I have no problem with.
When I got home, I was so exhausted I started falling asleep as I was scrolling through Tumblr, so I said, "I can't do this anymore," and just closed my computer, pulled up my blanket, and slept like a rock. I had a really weird dream that I was still at the art show with Diana and we were comparing a whole bunch of art, and even though I kept drinking out of my water bottle, my mouth still felt really dehydrated, until I woke up and realized it was only a dream. Unable to find my glasses, I stumbled around the kitchen, trying to find a glass and the water pitcher. Larry ran over too and tried to get attention, so I sat down on the floor and downed the first glass of water. It wasn't enough, so I went to refill, and finally with glass, water, and cat in hand, I sat down on a little squarish red leather stool, and sipped the second glass. Looking out at the blurry black and white kitchen, it suddenly hit me how happy I was in that exact moment. I have friends, I have a future, I have a wonderful cat (who was currently sinking his claws into my knee, but whatever) and I felt at peace. But then it hit me how much things had changed in one year. It wasn't hard to remember just how much pain I had gone through, the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the trauma, and ultimately, those three times I had come so dangerously close to permanently ending my life, and I'm so glad I didn't. For some reason I felt like I should have been sad, but that only lasted for a brief moment because I realized that there was no reason to think about those dark times anymore. I could finally put it behind me as an event in my life that changed me forever into a different person, but I didn't need to dwell on the experience, only the lessons learned. I made it. I'm going somewhere. And going forward, no one's ever going to take away from me how much I know I'm worth to myself.
So if you're in a difficult place in life right now, you have every right to worry, but I promise you, it will get better. Repeat that message to yourself as many times as it takes for it to truly sink in and for you to believe it. Life can be unimaginably difficult sometimes, and there may be so many good reasons to want to end it, but you have to believe that it gets better. I am reminded of a Renoir quote that I read in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book many, many years ago. At the time, I didn't understand the meaning of it, but now it all makes sense. "The pain passes, but the beauty remains." To the newer readers of this blog, please don't let this scare you, if you have any questions feel free to ask me in person, and know that I love you very much. I wish I had pictures to include in this post, but as I do not, here are some golden retriever puppies. I hope you've all been having a wonderful day as well! ◊
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