Growing Pains

The start of a new month is coming up soon; this one especially is an important new beginning. Today is the last day of September, the first full month of the semester, and this is a benchmark point for how I'm doing, settling in and going about this semester. This past week was particularly brutal — all the glamour, and the trauma, and the f*cking melodrama — but now that it's over, I feel like I can take a deep breath and release all the anxiety in my chest, the burden on my shoulders, and the noise in my head.

I'm currently extremely satisfied by how I'm managing my academics, my extracurricular commitments, my health, and my aesthetic. I'm still working on squeezing a social life in, but even though it could be more robust, it's mostly sufficient. In doing so, I need to reassess where I'm putting my time and effort, and only continue putting my time and effort into places that I feel good about it going toward. If I don't feel good about it, it's time to let go. I will choose to be with the people that choose me, however painful it may be to outgrow the people I love.

There's really no certainty at this stage in life — everything is temporary, ever-changing. College is a time of development, transitions, and growth. As long as I have integrity in my character, being genuine and intentional in my actions, constantly striving for introspection and self improvement, I can be confident that everything will be okay. I'm not sure if there's any certainty ever, but I'm learning that a good thing doesn't have to last forever. ◊

Settled In

It's been a full two weeks into the school year and I already feel comfortably in the swing of things. I just got in to my last waitlisted class, my internship has started, I've finished my shopping, my finances are in order, and I'm ready to try new things. For the first time, I don't feel apprehensive about how things are going to go, and I don't have that lingering feeling of not doing enough or being caught up enough, even though it is true that I'm still behind on my reading. I believe part of this has to do with my experience in DC; I was constantly challenged and pushed beyond what I felt capable of, but now I feel a lot more comfortable with who I am. I am a changed person: I don't take things so personally anymore, I made a whole lot of mistakes, and I did a lot of growing up. These are all new feelings and it's nice to feel so settled in for once. Perhaps it's odd to do a blog post like this, but I don't have much to share except that I'm happy right now and looking forward to things to come. ◊

Summer in Review

As you may have guessed from my previous posts, I've spent ten weeks of this summer in Washington, DC. Going to DC came at a good point in my life because I'm stepping into my twenties and learning how to be really independent, without the structure of college to hold me in place. At the same time, doing the Cal-in-the-Capital program gave me the support I needed when I needed it.

As much as I enjoyed it, this summer was also incredibly difficult. However, the challenges also made me learn and grow tremendously. I found myself more confident in my ability to take initiative to make things happen. I've always been fairly independent and capable of managing my own affairs, but this summer really forced me to put those skills into practice. I found myself confronted with many new questions: how do I network? what do you do with your free time? I realized that it is perfectly fine to enjoy doing nothing for a bit, but ultimately it is up to you to take the lead with opportunities. Nobody is going to give you anything until you ask for it.

Speaking of networking, I experienced firsthand the power and necessity of it. My first two weeks at my first internship just didn't feel right, and I'm certain I'd have been miserable all summer if I had stayed. Instead, I took a risk during week three, when that internship was on a break, and started looking for new places through networking. It was simple enough once I got the hang of it: talk to a person, who introduces you to another person, who introduces you to another person...

Somehow, in week four, I started at my dream internship at the National Education Association. The networking had paid off, and had landed me at the perfect opportunity to explore American education policy. Things were still kind of slow and I had no real work for two weeks, but this was an organization that had the potential and connections to introduce me to new things. At this point, it was over halfway through the summer, yet somehow I was still just moving in. I received a new placement in the Center of Communications after I took it upon myself to march down to HR for more assignments and finally receiving some work instead of waiting around for events.

In week six, a wave of loneliness suddenly hit. I was familiar with feeling alone but not lonely, but now I was definitely lonely as well as alone. Now that I was all settled down, with no one to hang out with, I took it upon me to explore the city on my own. Looking at the list of all the places I intended to visit, I was shocked me how few items I had checked off. My first destination: the Library of Congress. Initially, I was almost deterred by the amount of effort required to get a library card, navigate my way around, and figure out what I was going to do there. Though I was physically shaking from social anxiety, I trekked around and (after getting lost a gazillion times) made it to the main reading room. The view was breathtaking, and even though I was still shaking, it was worth it. I felt so privileged to be sitting underneath that resplendent domed ceiling. I meant to do some work in there, but all I wanted to do was to soak in every detail so I'd never forget the feeling of being in that space (what can I say, I'm a sucker for high ceilings). Emboldened, I made it my mission to do all the things I wanted to do that summer, regardless of if anyone else would be doing it with me.

The rest of the summer flew by. I made new friends, explored more of the city being comfortable on my own, and learned so much with the most amazing people at the NEA. I cried on my last day, but at the same time, I was struck by a disgusting sort of homesickness and terror. The unknowns of the upcoming semester loomed in front of me, but I missed California desperately as well. But there was no time to dwell on that as I scurried to pack, and then was whisked across the country at a five hundred miles an hour. There was no time to reflect amidst the frenzy of unpacking.

Tomorrow, the first classes of Fall 2017 semester start. I have some baggage in the form of essays I have left from incomplete classes for Spring, but overall, I'm looking forward to the incredible potential to do good things with good people around me. I feel confident to start on the right foot, mostly because my packages finally came in the mail and I have my shelves and lamp up. My roommate made me realize that this is my last first day of the school year for a very long time (technically, I have another first day next semester, but that doesn't really count), and I'm determined to savor every bit of it. Here's to adventure and friendship and love and joy and identity and everything that could possibly happen in this upcoming year. ◊

Present Anxieties

Wow it's been a while since I've last blogged. While many exciting things have happened since the last post, I've been so busy with work and moving around that I haven't easily had the time or willpower to sit down and write. Hopefully this informal little update will kick me back into the habit of writing frequently. I'll definitely go back and schedule a bunch of retroactive posts to keep things up to date.

1) Flying back to California

Finally, finally, I am back. While I had a lovely time in DC, my heart still belongs to California. Everything went well with the flight, including having an empty seat between me and the next person in a three-person row. I never thought that would make such a difference, but having the legroom to stretch out and sleep was a blessing. The views going through the clouds was incredible, as well as passing over the canyons in Nevada.

2) Shipping
I'm in a new room with twice as much space as my room last year, and I hardly know what to do with it all. As such, I've had to get a bunch of new furniture, and so far I'm incredibly pleased with how my set-up is turning out. My only issues are that only half of the string lights are still working, my shelves are not up yet, and I don't have a desk lamp. I ordered these things last week and the estimated delivery was Friday, but keeping in mind that the standard shipping is 3-5 business days, it's not too late. Nevertheless, late packages give me so much anxiety, and in terms of instant relief, receiving these packages is top on my list.

3) Essays
The semester is not officially begun yet, but readings and such have already been assigned. I also have a three page essay to write about my summer internship, due date TBD, as well as five essays from incomplete classes that I had meant to do over the summer. Unfortunately, I have not written a single page, and I have to finish them all before the start of the spring semester. I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to focus on these assignments, but hopefully, being in an academic mindset will help instead of being in a work and fun mindset from DC over the summer.

That's it for now. I know this semester will come with its own set of adventures and challenges, and I'm eager to see what will happen. Though I'm anxious that things aren't completely settled in yet, I'm hopeful that this will be an excellent new experience. ◊

New York on a Budget

Here we go, I'm finally going to tackle the New York posts (only about a month late). This first one is a quick overview of how much I spent for the three day trip, which is relevant because I only recently paid all those bills. To begin, a breakdown of costs:

Day One // Friday, July 29 // Lower Manhattan: total — $44.00
Think Coffee: iced coffee — $3.00
Dominique Ansel Bakery: cronut — I got lucky and got mine for free!
Washington Square Park Arch
Triangle Shirtwaist Factory
Strand Bookstore: postcards — $3.00 (3 for $1 each)
Union Square Park
New York Public Library
Flatiron Building
Central Park: bike rental — $13.00
The Met (from the outside)
Museum of Modern Art: free on Fridays 4-9PM, bookmark — $20.00
Joe's Pizza: slice — $5.00

Day Two // Saturday, July 30 // Brooklyn: total — $73.50
Egg Shop: brunch — $15.00
Ferrara Bakery: cannoli — $3.50
Grand Central Station
One World Trade Center (from the outside)
Nobletree Coffee: mocha — $5.00
Wall Street Charging Bull & Little Girl
Staten Island Ferry & Statue of Liberty
Coney Island Beach & Boardwalk: hot dog — $5.00
Brooklyn Cat Cafe: 30 minutes — $5.00
Black Tap Burgers & Beer: burger & crazy shake — $40.00

Day Three // Sunday, July 31 // Manhattan: total — $81.50
Zucker's Bagels & Smoked Fish: traditional lox & bagel — $12.00
Juice Generation: small juice — $7.00
Top Of The Rock: ticket — $37.00
Starbucks: coffee — $4.00
Chelsea Market: Very Fresh Noodles — $14.00
Magnolia Bakery: key lime cheesecake — $7.50
The High Line

By a very generous estimate, I spent about $15 on the subway and $35 on Uber/Lyft rides, for a total of about $50 in transportation. I easily could have spent less by walking more. Splitting the cost of the Airbnb and bus to and from New York with another person came out to around $200 per person total.

I probably could have done without as much coffee as I did (though honestly I don't know how awake I would have been to enjoy the experience). I also could have cut on expenses with cheaper meals than the Black Tab, or skipped some of the souvenirs.

With these expenses in mind, the total cost of the trip came out to around $450 for three days, or $150 per day. This is by no means wholly affordable, but if this is what your budget looks like, know that New York is doable without having to skimp on fun things to do or good food to eat. ◊

Ennui

I enjoy my own company very much, but like any conversation, there comes a time when the exchange has run its course and there's nothing left to say. This week while my internship office is on break, I've been struggling to figure out what to do with my time. I've been leveraging connections to meet with alumni, but for the most part, I've had nothing to do.

I supposed it's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you need to push and sometimes you need to take breaks. The problem is that I want to try new things in my breaks, but I'm too anxious to leave my apartment.

en·nui

/änˈwē/

noun

1. a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

On the plus side, I have a lot to look forward to. Talking to alumni and mentors was an incredibly rewarding experience, and I've come to realize that this is one of the greatest benefits to being in DC. I wouldn't have made those conversations otherwise.

I've also somehow secured my dream internship at the National Education Association, starting next Tuesday. Once that begins I suppose I'll have more to do and structure my day around, but until then, I'll have to figure out how to deal with the ennui. ◊

A Lovely Day on the Potomac

This post was a long time in the making because for some reason my computer refuses to import the last photo I wanted to include, but at this point I've given up and accepted that I'd rather post this without the pic. Anyhow, just as I was building anxiety about what to do over the summer, a friend from Berkeley who lives in Maryland suggested that we and a few other people go kayaking on the Potomac. It was a lovely day with perfect weather and I'm so glad I went. Paddling east, we saw the Kennedy Center, the Watergate Hotel, and the Lincoln and Washington memorials in the distance. We also wandered around Georgetown for a bit, which was quite scenic. We headed back just in time to see the sun set over the river, which made for a very picturesque moment. ◊

Really, Truly Alone

I can say that I'm comfortably settled in to DC now. I have my room set up, my work duties down, groceries in the fridge, and physical health taken care of. However, I am confronted by my neglect of one essential component of living in a new city — I legitimately, 100% do not know how to make friends. I haven't been at work long enough to get to know anyone, there are no friendly RA's to introduce everyone to each other in the dorm, and to top it off, overwhelming social anxiety leaves me too scared to even leave the room on my own. I'm getting sick of looking at my window and staring down the door, yet still intimidated by the thought of going outside. Luckily, I'm not lonely, as I'm texting and calling friends from back in California, but I'm upset at myself for spending all of my time by myself in my room instead of being out and doing things. And I don't know what to do about. I am at a complete loss about what to do with myself. I don't know what the point of writing this is as it's not helping me solve my problem; if anything, this is an excuse to stay indoors with some semblance of purpose. I supposed I'll be forced to figure it out sooner or later, but as of now, I don't know what's going on and I don't know what to do. ◊

Pride and Protest

It's the weekend in DC, and things have gotten hot! Specifically, the weather — yesterday being high eighties and today over nineties Fahrenheit. Despite the heat, I went with my roommate to watch the DC pride parade. We walked around Dupont Circle for a bit, where I saw an Ace flag (but didn't get a picture, sadly) before settling into a good spot on the curb in the shade and waiting over an hour for the event to start. The beginning of the parade was very exciting: the gunning of motorcycles, the procession of armed forces, and the very enthusiastic crowd. However, a few cars in to the procession of notable people, the event started to stall. I later found out that a protest was blocking the start of the parade, which was unfortunately because I was hoping to see the whole thing.

My roommate left to get food, while I decided to walk down the block to see if I could see more of the parade. The crowd was extremely dense — at certain points I was legitimately worried about getting trampled, being the single small human being that I am — but I managed to squeeze in a few blocks down at a bend in the parade route. A deflated bear inflatable and a few floats of drag queens drifted by. Parade marchers tossed beads into the crowd, and I managed to snag a purple strand that now hangs festively on my lamp. As much as I wanted to stay, the spot I was in was much too sunny, and the imminent fear of sunburn forced me to retreat back to my dorm. Nevertheless, it was a fun experience, and hopefully next year I'll be able to see more! ◊

TGIF

I've officially survived my first week in DC. Things have calmed down considerably since my last post — my congestion has gone away, I bought a new water bottle, I've located my camera at the airport lost and found, I have my room and bed set up, and I'm getting accustomed to my internship and the neighborhood. I also was able to meet up with my good friend Diana, who took me to get food at a really good empanada place, followed by the novelty of rolled ice cream next door. The empanadas were delicious, especially with a cilantro, parsley, and lemon dip, and the rolled ice cream was worth the Instagram, even though it didn't taste any different from regular ice cream. We also made plans to hang out on Sunday, which should be fun and help me settle in to DC a bit more. Overall, I'm doing a lot better, but still a bit anxious about getting to know the city and finding a new internship. Even though it's going to be tough, I'm looking forward to the rest of this summer! ◊

Acclimation

It's been three days in D.C. and things have not been good. In the first twenty-four hours I've already lost my water bottle and polaroid camera. I'm extremely stressed and frustrated right now, and painfully aware of how negative I'm being. I feel bad for bothering Diana and Anisha with my text spam, and when my friend Soli called I started ranting without even as much as a, "How are you," because I felt like exploding. I'm irrationally scared when no one's responding to texts, knowing full well that they're busy, and I'm upset at myself for being so negative.

I didn't start off on the right foot coming in to DC. Last Friday night I was going to go to sleep early after visiting my friend Dana to use her wifi to check in to my flight, but then a whole bunch of new notifications and issues arose. I ended up sleeping far later than expected which led to me sleeping through my alarm and being late for my flight. I was supposed to arrive Saturday at 5pm, but ended up getting here on Sunday at 1am. As such, I didn't have any bedding, and after showering to get the ickiness of the airport off of me, I had wet hair too. I kept waking up every two hours because I was uncomfortable and cold.

The next morning was a bit better. I was able to go shopping with my roommate to get the dorm set up, but I ended up spending a lot of money. I immediately realized how expensive it was to be here: I'm paying rent for my old apartment, new apartment, and the dorm here. Plus living expenses and transit expenses, and overall it's going to be a very costly summer. Luckily I have a scholarship which will help out immensely with the financial burden, but it does require a political science or public policy internship, which it turns out, my internship is not. I thought it would be a "Programming and Outreach" internship, referring to the operation of a non-profit, but it turns out it's more of managing a summer camp (not that there's anything wrong with that kind of work, but I was really hoping to learn something new from my experience in DC). I asked my supervisor about this concern, and she said that there were no opportunities for networking or connecting with the education policy community. I'm currently looking for another internship that I could do, which is additionally stressful.

Furthermore, the weather in DC itself is not something I'm used to. In Berkeley in the fall when the weather changes, I get mildly sick as I'm adjusting to changes in humidity and pressure. Here, going from California to DC in five hours, that adjustment is a hundred times more severe. I'm ridiculously congested on top of being physically sore from moving all of my stuff between apartments and hauling luggage to DC. I'm having a difficult time acclimating to this environment — physically, socially, and emotionally.

I'm stressed and frustrated and I don't know what to do or who to talk to about it. But that's ok. I can always rant here where no one is forced to partake in my misery. I just wish I had done this earlier so I wouldn't have freaked out to actual people who I am now worried are annoyed at me. Hopefully in the coming days that will be sorted out too. I just miss having close and consistent conversations with people. Luckily, it hasn't been all bad. I was able to decorate my apartment a bit with a washi tape bear decal based on the ASUC logo. I was able to straighten out the subletter situation at my old apartment and the rent situation with my new apartment, so I'm no longer as stressed about those things. I'm genuinely excited to be in DC and I'm enjoying it despite the setbacks so far. I imagine that things will get better soon. ◊

Misadventures at the Airport

I used to be a punctual person. I'd calculate a precise travel time, accommodate for additional potential delays, and generally arrive 10 minutes early for everything. Somehow, this is no longer the case, and as a result, I'll be spending the next twelve hours at an airport.

The issue isn't really the planning. I knew my flight was at 8am, with about two hours to check in and go through security, plus an hour on public transport to get from my apartment to the airport. Factor in about half an hour to eat breakfast and get ready, and about half an hour just in case anything takes longer than it should, and a 4AM wakeup time is sufficiently reasonable. Of course, my alarm goes off at 4AM and I end it almost out of muscle memory. I wake up to an incredibly annoying bird outside my window. I check the time — 5:30AM. I grab my suitcase and run (thankfully everything was already packed and ready to go); a face wipe later will have to do. Note to self: set multiple alarms.

In my panicked and unthinking state of mind, I set out for the downtown Berkeley BART station. In hindsight, Rockridge is closer and does not require a transfer. It takes 14 minutes to take the bus to downtown Berkeley, another 14 minutes to wait for the train. Another 14 minutes waiting at MacArthur station to transfer onto a train going to SFO. A 40 minute BART ride turns into an hour as the train is stopped and delayed.

I arrive at SFO at 7:30AM. I've already checked in thanks to the power of mobile apps, but no! The gatekeeper at the security checkpoint tells me my carry-on is too big, despite having used that suitcase as a carryon on previous flights. I'm forced to wait in line to check in my bag. The phone rings. An airline representative calls me asking if I'll be joining them for the flight to DCA. I explain my situation but unfortunately there is nothing to be done. At the check in line, the representative tells me there are no more flights to DCA today, but she is able to give me a standby pass for a 2:40PM flight to IAD. I take it, but my seat is not guaranteed. If there are no seats left on that flight by the time I arrive, I'm have no idea what happens. I also pay $25 to have my bag checked, unsure if I'm even going to find it at the airport when I arrive.

I fly through security. It is now 9AM. All things considered, it's not too bad. It's not like I haven't wasted five hours of my life doing nothing on a Saturday before. There was a yoga room that looked promising, but it was actually really small and it smelled weird. I plunk down on a seat and browse social media apps for two hours. I haven't had wifi for the last two days at my new apartment, so there's a lot of content to catch up on. I want to do a #heavythinking post about the things I've learned at therapy, but I'm not sure I have the emotional bandwidth for that right now.

The last few days have been intense: packing up my old apartment, setting up a subletter, working 10 hours a day in San Jose, moving everything back in Berkeley to my new apartment, unpacking and putting away everything in the new apartment, and finally packing for DC. I'm actually quite proud of the fact that I managed to accomplish everything, but it still feels like there's so much more to do. I'm excited to live in the new apartment next year. I was able to arrange everything exactly how I wanted to, more or less; half of my string lights stopped working and one of my command hook shelves fell off the wall, and I still need a lamp and chair, but those are fairly minor issues. I still have some rent issues to sort out, but that can be done in DC.

Even more so, now that I'm at the airport and it's imminently real, I'm going to DC! My three main goals are to enjoy my internship, finish my incomplete essays, and take time to explore what the east coast has to offer. Hopefully this standby flight works out and I make it to DC with my luggage in one piece. I have no idea what the near future has to offer, but I'm eager to find out. ◊

Survive

Today, I checked in with my counselor to stave off a panic attack. Despite her role in a department that primarily handles sexual assault, I thought it would be relevant to discuss my current state as it is similar to the situation over spring break that led to a non-consensual encounter. In anticipation of going back to San Jose this weekend, I've been incapacitated by the anxiety of interacting with my parents. I don't want to repeat the mistake of placing myself in an unsafe situation as a distraction to recover from that mental health state. Like binge eating, self harm via other people is a coping mechanism — obviously not the best one but a strategy nonetheless.

My counselor's response was that I should do what I needed to do to survive — if that means a reckless and irresponsible hookup, so be it. At first this didn't make sense to me: how would placing myself in danger help me survive? But I had an epiphany when I realized that sometimes it is easier to recover from an acute trauma than it is to resolve longstanding traumas that have built up over years, as is the case with my parents. It was a means to redirect my attention from the suicidal thoughts that emerged in the aftermath of the panic attack. The issue with the spring break incident wasn't that it felt like the fallout directly from a sexual assault, but rather, that it refreshed recurrent issues around control and affection that stem from my relationship with my parents. The hookup itself was easy to recover from, if I had to recover at all.

I called my mother at 7:30pm today to discuss the logistics of traveling back to San Jose. Seeing as it would be a hassle to drive forty minutes each way, then pick up my sister, then go to the dentist, I made plans for a friend to pick me up from the train station and drop me off at the dentist directly instead. Somehow, this change in plans irritated her. Toward the end of the call she went off on a tangent, making accusatory remarks about how I didn't ask her earlier about finding a subletter. One, I did bring it up to which she said nothing (her excuse is that she didn't know anyone at the time who was looking) and two, it's not as if she's never shoved her unwanted input at me regardless.

I can't quite identify what about this kind of behavior sets me off, but the reality is that it severely affects my mental health. It is now 9:30pm — two hours wasted lying on my bed trying to recover from a minor conversation. If anything, this conversation was the impetus for my resolve to stay with my friend over the next few days in San Jose rather than living at home. My mother will no doubt be furious, but I'd rather confront that later than to subject myself to a continuously toxic environment. ◊

Push

It's the home stretch — dead week, then finals, then done. But not really. I'll still have an interview for Teach for America and assignments to make up for the incomplete classes I'm taking this semester. The pre-interview process for Teach for America has been really time consuming, but once I finish that, it'll be a whole load of stress off of me for an entire year at least (presuming I get in and won't have to worry about what I'm doing after graduation). I'll have the entire summer and fall semester if I need it to finish the incomplete assignments, so I'm not terribly worried. Recovery is the main goal right now.

In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can while my ability to be productive is crippled. Despite the violent anxiety building in my chest every time I sit down to write, I'm pushing myself to work as much as I can. I'm not sure if it's depression or subconscious associations, but I'm no longer able to work in my bedroom. As a result, I've been changing it up, getting outside, seeing people I know, or going to coffee shops to work. Oftentimes, I've shut myself away in a library for hours at a time to complete an assignment that would otherwise take me a fraction of that time. Although I don't know why I'm always mentally exhausted (or I know why, but I'm not satisfied with the explanation), I am recognizing that it is a legitimate concern and I'm allowing myself to take breaks after completing a task. I know I will be able to accomplish everything I want to do, but I'll have to accept that it'll take more time than I'd like.

I keep having to remind myself that I have time, that my present self is just as worth investing in as my future self. I feel pressured to be more than I am because of some conditioned belief of inadequacy and worthlessness, but I've come to realize the problematic origins of feeling like I owe the world something. Sometimes I want to drop everything — the pressure, the stress, the academics — and become an artist. On the flip side, I know that if I took a different path as a creator, I'd have just as much stress. Creative professionals have their own set of challenges and insecurities, even if they are doing something that they love. And in spite of my concerns that I'm pursing education only because I feel like I owe the world something, it is still something that makes me incredibly happy. ◊

Existing // Momentum

From time to time, it strikes me how severe my mental health problems are. This weekend has been the lowest I've felt in a very long time. Depression and panic attacks I typically can handle, but being legitimately suicidal again is something that I don't know how to fix. I was horrified to suddenly realize: I am 19 years old, and I want to die. There are so many things wrong with that. I am so young, so full of potential, so excited for the things that will be happening in my life. I have no idea why I want to die. Yet at the same time, my brain has abandoned its biological purpose of self preservation in favor of an overwhelming impulse to self destruct. This is not okay.

With that in mind, it's not surprising that it's taking all my energy to be alive. All I'm capable of is existing — not knowing what to think, not knowing what to do — struggling to keeping moving, going through the motions, clutching my phone desperately looking for a distraction. I've been latching on from friend to friend to stay alive, knowing as long as I am in another person's presence, at the very least, I won't do anything impulsive. So far it's been working, and I could cry over how lucky I am to have friends who are willing to be there for me and care about me when I'm not capable of doing that myself. I know it must be frustrating to want to help, but not knowing how to fix the problem, especially when I am not sure what the problem is. But their existence has kept me existing, and I am forever grateful.

//



There is so little time left in the semester and so much left to do. I've been trying to catch up on my essays and assignments, but I've been running into a mental block every time I open up my computer and stare at a Word file. Wanting to do more than simply exist in a miserable, unproductive state, I went out for a walk around campus. I had no goal, no destination in mind; I was simply trying to get out of my head and do something, anything. I was hoping it would kickstart my motivation, that after the walk everything would be fixed and I could do things again, but this turned out not to be the case.

Later that day, I ended up at my friend Dana's house. I sat around and played with her cat, Fish, for a bit, but there wasn't much I was capable of doing at that point. A few hours later, she invited me to come with her to the gym. It is true that exercise helps with mood stabilization, but it is useless to say to someone with depression, "You should go get some exercise," which is usually what I encounter. In this case, by inviting me along, I felt reassured that she wanted me around, but I also was able to try something new without having to confront an unfamiliar environment. The exercise in and of itself also helped. I'm hoping starting a new habit can help me restart my ability to do my essays.

I think I have figured out why I can't complete any assignments yet. I had built up so much momentum this semester with everything I was doing. All of sudden, the incidents over spring break brought that ability to perform to a screeching halt. Trying to immediately resume performing at the level I was at before spring break felt like an insurmountable obstacle. I'm trying to incrementally ease myself back into a heavy workload, but without some kinds of accommodations, I don't think it's realistic to achieve the lofty goals I had at the beginning of the semester, grade-wise.

The reality is that I need to have an identity outside of my work, or at the moment, my academics. It is satisfying to accomplish things and earn good grades, but attaching my self worth to an assignment is easily a problem. I may have said this before, but I really need to make self care as a priority. Spending time with friends and doing things I enjoy should not be an afterthought for when I have some extra time. I need to give eating, entertainment, and exercise its proper consideration in my schedule to be fulfilled as a person. ◊

Another Existential Crisis?

It is finally, finally spring break. I've cleaned the entire apartment (I even bought fabric Febreze!), sorted out all the minor tasks that I totally had time for but didn't feel obligated to do while I had essays, and napped for about 36 hours straight. The plan for tonight is movie and spa night, then more minor tasks and sleep, and then after Monday, back to work on essays. While I'm at it, I'm trying to get back into a regimented mindset to get shit done. It's been a weird semester, and March has been the weirdest month of all.

The first round of essay midterm grades were returned at the beginning of this week, something I've been mulling over all week. After getting an A- and two As, including the high score for a class, I received a C for ED182AC. It really threw me off — I know I'm not a bad writer, clearly, from the highest scoring essay for my other class, but nevertheless, the existential despair once again set in. The grade option change deadline just passed on Friday, so whether I like it or not, I'm going to have to put my nose to the grindstone and take whatever grade comes at the end of the semester.

I keep telling myself to hold out and take the stress because it's going to be the last semester of academic grind. Five classes is a bit much, and maybe aiming for 3 A's and 2 A-'s at least this semester is a bit ambitious, but I think it's doable. I'd then have to get 4 A's and 3 A-'s minimum for my last two semesters in order to achieve a 3.8 GPA. Of course, I could also take an easy A GPA boosting class my last semester, or take the 8-unit Greek course I'm planning to do for fun for a grade instead, but that feels like cheating somehow.

For my last year I want to shift toward a more career oriented focus, learning about certifications and experience and whatnot. It's frustrating to think about everything I need to do in order to get to my ideal career because I expect instant gratification, but everything I want to do not only needs a degree, but also years of experience. I don't want to be schlepping through mediocre positions for five years after I graduate — I want to make a real difference doing real work. It is every college student's constant conundrum: what am I going to do when I graduate?

At this point, my best course for action seems to be Teach For America. I can simultaneously get work experience, a certification, and maybe even a Master's degree if my location has a joint program with a local university. If I do go that route, I'm interested in a Master's in Public Administration (or Education Policy, haven't figured out the specifics). It's reassuring at least knowing that I'm building enthusiasm toward a career in public school administration.

To me, making a plan is reassuring, rather than being anxiety inducing as it may be for other people. But of course, I am not without my doubts. Once again, there's anxiety about over-promising and under-delivering, but this is the goal I've set myself to work towards and I am putting in the effort to make it happen. I also realize that this decision to work hard for one more semester feels like falling into the trap of once again thinking, "After this thing happens, I will be happy." I'm not yet sure how to confront this one, but I'm ready to pursue personal growth and character development, even if it may be painful. With little over a month left of Spring 2017 and so much yet to happen, there's nothing to do but try my best and embrace it, come what may. ◊

Play Hard Work Hard

Things are starting to look up again this semester: I interviewed for a D.C. non-profit (and I think it went well!), I received A's on two of my midterm essays, and I finished my application for a fellowship a whole hour ahead of when I thought it was due (hence, now having time to blog). Granted, there is still a ton of stuff to do, but I'm incredibly satisfied with everything I've accomplished this weekend. One more week of classes and meetings, and a ten page paper due Friday, and then I'm free for Spring Break. Arguably, Spring Break will be just as busy as I catch up on appointments, but I am definitely looking forward to having some time to rest and not traipse around campus all day.

Sometimes when I feel this happy, I get anxious because I start thinking about all the things I still need to do; this time, the satisfaction feels well deserved. One night, when I was so stressed I couldn't even stay asleep, I tried to listen to music to calm myself, and inadvertently played a few of Lorde's old songs. I don't know how, but I instantly felt my stress melt away. The line that resonated with me the most from those moments was from "Tennis Court:"

"Because I'm doing this for the thrill of it, killin' it // Never not chasing the million things I want"

Between midterm papers to extracurricular meetings, I'm starting to really embrace the notion of work hard, play hard. Despite the busy week last week, I still committed the time to plan and throw a surprise party for Anisha, a fact that I'm proud of not only because she deserves the occasion to be valued and celebrated, but also because it proved to me that grades and academics are not the most important thing in life.

That said, I think part of the reason why I have been enjoying my academics lately as well is the greater incidence of "fun" events. Though I strive to "work hard, play hard," what ends up happening more so than not is that I work hard at the expense of play hard — and I enjoy it, the thrill of it, killin' it, chasing the million things I want. However, it's been making more sense to me that the notion of play hard must be available to motivate the work hard. Otherwise, the existential despair of "what is the point" starts to settle in. With that in mind, I am going to continue to work hard, but also prioritize things happening outside of my academics. ◊

Logan

This weekend has quite frankly been exhausting. I'm taking a break right now from the three essays I have due this week: 7-10 pages for ED182AC, 6 pages for PS111AC, and 4 pages for Wealth and Poverty. I probably should have worked on them earlier, but more pressing events were taking place, specifically the release of the last Wolverine movie (at least, the last with Hugh Jackman). Wolverine has always been my favorite Marvel character, and going into this one was bittersweet knowing that it would be the end of an era. I cried, and as you can see, I'm clearly not happy it's over. To avoid spoilers, I'll just say that the movie was amazing, and that I plan on going back to rewatch it soon.

The only downside was that the timing of the movie kept getting pushed back. I initially thought it would be at 10am, but it was actually scheduled for 10:45am on the ticket. Then, at the theater, the actual showing was at 11:15am. Luckily, that gave my friend and I enough time to go get food, and so we snuck Pizza My Heart into the theater. Unfortunately, because I was supposed to meet up with a potential subletter at 2:30pm, I didn't have much time to shop at Bay Street. This was especially disappointing because they had just opened up a new MAC, and Lush also had new products. I did get to pick up a face mask and a toner, the Eau Roma water. It's supposed to be good for hydrating sensitive skin. I've found that switching to products specifically for sensitive skin has cleared up a lot of my skin problems. Plus, the new packaging for Lush is amazingly cute.

It ended up that I didn't make it back to Berkeley in time to meet up with the subletter. I felt so frazzled and overwhelmed by the feeling that I had failed in some way. Plus, the impending stress of three essays wasn't helping either. In these situations, I think it's important to remember to take time for aggressive self care. After a mini reset to indulge in all-of-the-Lush, I actually managed to finish three pages of writing. I've been saying to myself, "After this week, everything will be okay," every week so far, but this time, I'm genuinely hoping I get a bit of a break after these essays. If not, then at least spring break is coming soon. ◊

February Food

Once again, it has been quite a while since I've last blogged. In the interim hiatus, I've been catching up on a lot of work, hoping to be sufficiently on top of my assignments that I'm no longer stressing over them at the last minute. I am also freaking out because it is the end of February and I have not applied to as many internships as I had hoped by this point. Archery is cancelled this weekend so the goal is to use that time to get ahead on essays, readings, and internships.

On the plus side, it's been a good month for food; I've even knocked an item off of my bucket list! Anisha and I stumbled upon Ici when we were going grocery shopping but the bus never came. Frustrated, we decided to walk down College Ave. passing by Ici on the way. It was a fairly warm day so we stopped by. The ice cream was delicious, but very small in portion size. It's definitely worth the occasional treat!

[1] Cinnaholic — old fashioned roll with strawberries and birthday cake icing
[2] Dandelion Chocolate in SF
[3] European Drinking Chocolate with a biscuit and marshmallow
[4] Ici Ice Cream
[5] with Anisha!
[6] I got the mint creme, she got the ginger with caramel sauce.
[7] KBBQ in Oakland
[8] They even had fries?
[9] And an assortment of dishes that I did not have the courage to try.
[10] It was lit.

The nice thing about food is that it is near-instant gratification. Unlike essays and projects, trying new food has a certain positive outcome. It's discouraging to put in the work but not see the results I thought I deserved. Unfortunately, perhaps I haven't been putting as much effort into my assignments as I should be. The grades I got back were a smack into the face that reminded me not to be complacent. Another (unrelated) thing is I need to sort out my accounts again. I've made so many new ones that I can't keep up with which password goes with which. This is a project likely left for spring break, but it continues to frazzle me in the meantime. Despite that minor hurdle, I am very ready for everything to start going well in life again. ◊