It hasn't really felt like summer. Work takes up most of my days. It's the exact same thing I've been doing the past two years for free, but now I'm getting paid for it. It makes it feel like a really long weekend, rather than summer vacation. I wake up whenever I want to, I eat ice cream whenever I want to, and I sleep whenever I want to, and repeat it all the next day. Today I'm having a root beer float, in a last-ditch attempt to quickly catch up on all my missed childhood before I enter the "real world" as an adult. They are few and far between, as most root beers are sold in large packs or 2-liter bottles. I had forgotten how good they are.
I'm stretching myself thin, trying to live in the past, present, and future. I've downsized my social media platforms in preparation for college. I haven't logged on to my personal Facebook in days (and to be honest, I'm actually enjoying the time off, though I fear I will need it again for convenience in college).
I was mulling over why I chose a pseudonym for my online presence. It seems a bit conceited and strange to me, and I always feel awkward explaining how it works to a friend. "Yes, that is me, but not really. Am I changing my name? Well, probably not. Yea, I don't know." I guess it is in part due to the fact that I want to be a special snowflake. My real name is surprisingly common, and I was always annoyed at having to tack on numbers and special punctuation to make a username. This one is clean, fresh, new, and unspoiled. It is all mine, nobody else's, and especially not my parents'. It is a unitary identity, consistent over every social media platform (speaking of which, I made an Instagram). It gives me a sense of control and cohesiveness.
Yet somehow, this ideation is inconsistent with who I think I am. I am indecisive, and since I was much smaller, I've never been able to choose a single identity. I wanted to be a marine biologist, and an interior designer, and a business owner, and a teacher. I wanted to be American, and Chinese, and a very small part of me wanted to move to Canada and become Canadian. Is it possible to reconcile all of these things?
I applied as a political science major, and in a few semesters, if all goes according to plan, I will declare it and work towards a degree in it. Like many, I can't help but be plagued with doubts over if it is the right decision. Berkeley has neither a public policy major nor an education major, so I am worried that polisci isn't the major that is most aligned with my goals.
Then there's the issue of goals outside of education. Formal schooling is a common struggle that unites all students, and a while ago I started to analyze my friendships and I feared that I had nothing in common with the people I called my friends. Perhaps it is true that we are not alike, or had few shared interests. That's what keeps it interesting. But at the same time, I hope to meet people in college who share my likes and dislikes to the same degree that I do.
It is August, almost time for college, and I have not learned Morse code, become fluent in Spanish, achieved ambidexterity, read all the Tolkien books, gotten my license, dyed my hair, or bought an iPad yet. There is still time, but I think it's time I realized that I need to take things slow. I can't possibly do everything. I'm very much so an instant gratification type of person, but the problem with a fast paced life is that everything passes so quickly. It's time to dial down the speed and savor things. By the end of this post now, I've already forgotten how good an ice cream float is again. But then again, perhaps it is better to keep things moving. ◊
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