Triumph

Three colleges came out today.

First, I was rejected from Duke.

Next, I was rejected from Swarthmore.

Then, UC Berkeley's server overloaded (expected), so no one could view their decisions.

I went home from late day at 7:30pm feeling quite disappointed.

With the reach schools coming in, I suppose it was expected that I have some rejections after getting accepted or waitlisted pretty much everywhere else I had applied to and received responses from so far. I didn't tell my parents, but they still proceeded to give me a ton of shit about how, "If only you had listened to us you, would have gotten in to good schools. What good has come out of your fighting?" One, no I wouldn't. I'd be boring as a cardboard block. Two, I have a personality. I can start building an identity to call my own. I can stand up for myself and identify when people treat me badly. And I don't regret that. My only regret is that I didn't hight harder for myself earlier to have the supportive network and self-confidence that I have now, so dealing with them could have been easier before I had to do college apps.

But now I got into Berkeley, and this may be uncharacteristic of me, but I was just like, "What up bitches, proved you wrong, didn't I," and that's really the only reason why I wanted to get in to Berkeley, just to rub it in their face. When I got the decision back, I screamed at the top of my lungs, "I GOT IN TO BERKELEY!" and that shut them up. Though I don't see myself at home Berkeley at the moment (not a huge fan of the atmosphere, but that may change) I'm still extremely honored to be accepted. It's a huge breathe of relief, that I no longer have my parents on my back, and I've still succeeded, even in their eyes, despite all the shit I've gone through.

As of now, I have two more that I'm waiting on – Brown University tomorrow and Stanford on April 1 – and though I know it's more likely to be rejected than accepted, I have options now, and I have a future that I can plan for and sculpt into something I will love and enjoy. I'm grateful to everyone that's supported me thus far, and I'm truly excited for what's to come. ◊

Happy Birthday Diana!

Happy Birthday Diana!

I'm sorry I didn't have time to get you a nice gift or bake food, even though I know you've told me you didn't really want anything for your birthday, but I had to do something. So instead of leaving a happy birthday message that will probably get drowned amongst all your notifications on Facebook, or giving a mediocre gift with a card that could potentially get lost, here is my message to you preserved forever on the internet.

Dearest Spianebolarel (aka Deborah),

Happy 18th! You're an adult now!

Here's to you, one of the greatest friends I've ever had. We're level four friends now, having unlocked each others' tragic back stories, and subsequently dealing with all the stuff that's come out of them. Though you may be a strongheaded Aries and I am a melodramatic (is that the right word?) Cancer, I think we're pretty compatible (maybe it's the opposites attract thing, you crazy extrovert). Though when I brought it up, you didn't remember it (you were having ebola, I don't blame you), I do hope we stay close throughout college and beyond, regardless of where we end up. I hope you get everything you ever want out of life, but at the same time, please be aware of your health and don't forget to stay hydrated. You're going to do great things, so don't be afraid to seize life by the wings and keep your chin up, no matter what comes your way. Hope you're doing well at this moment :)

Love, your actual middle aged white suburban mother,
Helynn

Motivated

I am writing this after hours of wallowing in self pity and crippling overthinking. An aspect of social anxiety is always feeling confused about my friends and who I am and wondering how much I really matter to people. I often end up feeling like I should isolate or just drop everything and run to feel something again. Everything is stagnant, limbo, especially as I am also awaiting inevitable rejections. I was so bogged down by these fears that I simply could not bring myself to do anything.

Then suddenly I had a burst of motivational energy.

Most of it was due to my beloved Hyperbole and a Half book (I think I'm definitely taking it with me to college). I open it up, and there I see the "Maybe Everything Isn't Hopeless Bullshit" panel of Depression Part Two, and suddenly I feel okay. Maybe everything isn't hopeless bullshit.

Another part is the Misterwives album, Our Own House. I would describe it as "indie pop" but I don't know if it truly falls under that genre. It's happy and positive, but also has a free, relaxed feel. I've been enjoying it a lot lately, and the lyrics really resonate with me. And I love the lead singer, Mandy Lee's, hair. I wish I had more time to take care of my hair, and I wish it was easier to style, but it is what it is, so I can deal with that.

I've concluded that I'm not in a place where I can pursue my dreams yet, and that's absolutely, unequivocally okay. I am allowed to have time until I feel ready to break out of my shell. A premature chicken cannot hatch from an egg. That's not unfair, that's just nature.

As for college, the decisions have already been made; I can't change it, so there's no point in worrying. I'll do the best I can with what I have, and when I view it objectively and not through a negative emotional filter, I'm doing okay, I really am. I just have to remember that instead of being beaten down by the dementors that prey on my insecurities and worries.

Yea, life could be better. I lack money for a lot of changes in my life, and even if I have money, I still lack time. True, there are people more exceptional than me who are younger than me, but after a childhood of thinking I was exceptionally gifted, I am slowly beginning to accept that I am average, and average is a pretty solid base to build an identity on. I'll be spectacular some day, but for now, I'm going to take care of my issues and sorting some things out so I have a plane of existence on which to identify what normal is.

Once again, I want to remind myself to be actively aware of what I'm feeling and to catch the times when I'm being my own worst enemy. There are a lot of things that I am solely responsible for doing or preventing myself from doing, and wallowing in self pity is one of them. I have a future, and I can do anything I want to shape it to the best of my abilities. If I want it, I am going to go get it. ◊

What Am I Doing With My Life

Things That I Want To Do Right Now:
-Run/Swim/Bike/Exercise
-Eat Healthy
-Cleanse/Detox Body and Mind
-Read
-Sleep
-Breathe (I'm feeling a bit anxious right now)
-Travel

Things I Am Doing Right Now:
-None of the above
-Nothing
-Feeling miserable
-Feeling useless

Why I Am Not Doing Anything Right Now:
-College Anxiety
-No money
-A creeping sense of uncertainty and self doubt
-???

Sorry for kind of a weird post, I've just been feeling pretty uninspired and ranty and negative, and I feel like I've been getting distant from people, so I don't want to talk to anyone and bother them. College decisions are still slowly rolling in, and today I got waitlisted at Wellesley. The suspense of logging onto portals and checking decisions is killing me; I am very much an instant gratification type of person and I just want to know already. I know I'll be feeling a lot better once this month is over, but until then, I'll just be sick with anticipation and the knowledge that I will inevitably be rejected from the reach schools (so far I've only been accepted at match and safety schools, and waitlisted at low reach/high match schools). On the plus side, I did get my first scholarship from Fordham University in NYC, a $30000/year Dean's Scholarship, which is pretty exciting :) Wish me luck for the rest of the schools that come out soon! ◊

Pity Bath

As mentioned before, it's just been a really weird week, but what can you do. Finally, finally, it's the weekend, after waking up every day thinking it's Friday. UCLA came in last night; I got waitlisted. Maybe it's a reminder for me not to get too arrogant, to remember that I'm not invincible, or karma's a bitch and I'm getting paid back for being unnecessarily mean and rude to people this week. I haven't been feeling myself, and I don't know why. I've been getting dizzy, on the verge of panic again, and I realize that makes my fuse short, but everything's a bit of a confusing mess and I don't know how to sort it out.

The one semi-good thing that came out of this was the fact that I had decided to do an all out LUSH bath regardless of the outcome of the UCLA decision. If I got in, it'd be celebratory, if otherwise, it would be consolatory. It turned out to be the latter, but I still enjoyed it while it lasted. After it was over, I got yelled at by both parents for taking too long, which ruined the mood. Can't a girl just soak in peace?

As you may have noticed, I'm spending all my free time trying to redesign this blog. I'm only stuck on how I want the header and background, as I think I like the rest of the design, but I really need to get that header down. In the mean time, here's a quick review of all the LUSH products that went in to the bath. Hopefully it helps if you ever decide to go "treat yo self" shopping, as LUSH can be very overwhelming at first. I highly recommend nice baths though, as they're a great way to destress, given the right combination of products. I was originally going to do a vlog of this, but reviewing the footage, it didn't quite turn out as clearly as I had hoped. Products are rated on a scale of 1 to 10, one being "probably would never buy again" to ten being "must have every single time."

» Dragon's Egg Bath Bomb (4/10)
I bought this back in December to use over winter break, but then the bathtub broke so I had to hold off on it for a while. Now that the tub is fixed I was very excited to use it. It was good for my skin and made my skin feel very nice out of the water, but it was not a very exciting bath bomb nor was it the best color. It did have very fine gold sparkles in it, which I found to be a nice touch, but it will be a long time before I buy it again. It's highly rated on the website, but it just turns out not to be what I'm looking for at the moment.

» Dorothy Bubble Bar (7.5/10)
I actually like this bubble bar very much. It has a nice fresh scent which I really enjoyed and it produced lots of bubbles and turned the water a pretty blue color. It's a relatively small bar, but at the rate I'm using it at, I'm probably getting about three or four uses out of it, so it's a good deal. The bubbles last ten to twenty minutes, depending on how much of the bar is used. I do want to try some of the other bubble bars first, but I'd definitely buy this again some time in the future.

» Fresh Farmacy Face Soap (5.5/10)
I'm rather ambivalent about this face soap, because it definitely works but it also has a strong herbal smell, which I'm not a huge fan of. It left my face feeling very clean, well balanced, and non-oily without being dry, so I'm definitely open to purchasing it in the future once I finish my current skin care products, but it's not really a must-have either.

» Cosmetic Warrior Fresh Face Mask (2/10)
I strongly disliked this face mask, especially the scent. Initially in the jar, it just had a strong tea tree smell, which I don't mind, but on my face the garlic really starts to show and it was not pleasant. Granted, I may not have preserved it very well as I left it in my bag for a while before remembering to stash it in the refrigerator. I'm worried it might have spoiled a teeny bit, which brings me to the second issue: the texture. The texture was ok on my hands but it felt slimy and weird on my face. I did not like this face mask but it did clear out and balance my skin, which I like, but other than that it is highly unlikely that I will ever buy it again because I can't stand the smell at all.

Overall I'm not hugely impressed with this bath, mostly due to a bad combination of products that would have been much better separately. Next time I'm probably going to put some more consideration into my choices and figure out which ones work well together. The golden orange of the Dragon's Egg clashed with the blue Dorothy bubble bar, producing a remarkable Shrek green underneath all of the bubbles. The Fresh Farmacy is better off on its own as the main attraction of a skin routine, and Cosmetic Warrior ought to be braved only in case of special events. I like how all of these products really did help my skin, with visible difference before and after, but at the moment, with the exception of the bubble bar, I don't think I'll be getting them again. ◊

Food Friday #012 – Pita to Pizza

Mexican cheese, Italian sauce, and Greek pita put together do make a decent pizza. It's not quite homemade, and more like home-put-together, but it still tastes delicious! Layer on the ingredients and toast for 5-10 minutes, depending on how crisp and browned you want the cheese. I personally like the pita a little more soft, and the cheese not so burnt, so I only toast it for five minutes. ◊

Time On My Hands

Second semester senior year is everything I've dreamed of and more. Maybe even a little too much more. I've been in quite a daze this week from a whole slew of events that I'm not interested in reviewing right now, but luckily, it's not interfering with any work because I don't have any work to do. Yesterday I literally did nothing. I came home, took a four hour nap, watched TV, played Farmville (bad decision on my part to get back into that black hole, but it passes the time), ate dinner, and went to sleep again. I haven't been waking up refreshed, but then again, I have a huge sleep debt to make up. Overall, the only stress I've had is waiting for college admissions.

Speaking of college admissions, Boston College just sent their emails, and I got in! That makes me five for five right now: UCSD, UC Irvine, UC Davis, UCSC, and the aforementioned BC. I am literally over the moon right now. To celebrate, I am taking a nice bubble bath right now. The LUSH bubble bars are really great and I strongly recommend. Life is good! ◊

#obsessed: Hurricane – Misterwives

Just a song I've been enjoying lately and have been listening to on repeat after I found it in my recommended songs on Spotify. It sounds a bit different from the Spotify version, but the Spotify embed feature doesn't work for people who don't have a Spotify account, so I'm back to using Youtube videos. It's sounds beautiful and uplifting, but what's even better is its message. A statement from the lead singer on the Billboard article says "We hope 'Hurricane' is an anthem for those who believe in individuality and don't give a f--k about what others think," and I really appreciate that message. ◊

My Day In Pictures – Happiness is LUSH

I'm trying this new thing here where I document certain days in pictures. This was from yesterday, Saturday, March 14, but since I was at Diana's house for a spa day (more on that later) I couldn't upload it. Here are the pictures from the first MDIP:

1) House of Pho for lunch!

2) The pho has arrived. It was delicious :)

3) Perfect weather at Costco

4) A vanilla froyo for dessert.

5) Went to the mall with Aarthi and AK! AK had to pick up a few things from Target, and I had to get gift wrapping supplies too, so we all stopped there for errands and coffee. Then I went to pick up a few goodies from Lush for a spa day with Diana, who was sick. The picture is blurry because I was in a rush and didn't want to keep Aarthi and AK waiting longer than they already had. I am so thankful that they are incredibly patient with indecisive me!

6) A Carrot Soap for Karan, who is still in Illinois. It smells so good!

7) Two face mask samples, Cosmetic Warrior and Brazened Honey, at the store attendant's recommendation. I'm in transition with my skin care routine, so I'm trying out more products from Lush to see what I like. The samples are always a good idea because you don't know what works well for your skin until you try it, and you don't want to waste money on something you don't like.

8) I decided to treat myself and buy a bubble bar, now that the tub is working again. It smells heavenly and I can't wait to try it out! I also got a small sample of one of their soaps, Fresh Farmacy. It has a lot of great ingredients, like calamine and tea tree oil for problem skin, and it felt quite wonderful when I tried it in store. Hopefully it works on my skin in the long run too.

9) Girls' Night In or Spa Day with Diana – Diana is sick (again) and to cheer her up I thought it might be fun to do a spa day. The plan was hair, nails, and face masks, but she was too tired for any of it, so we basically browsed Tumblr the whole time. I did want to get something accomplished, so I did my nails. Pastels are good for spring (I believe the color is Bikini So Teeny by Essie) and I found a nail art pen type thing in her basket of polishes, so I did some swirls and it turned out quite nice.

And that's pretty much the whole day! I wish I had a better phone for pictures, because it's not convenient to take a phone and camera out. I was in a rush most of the time and didn't have time to stop and take quality pictures all the time. Since this is my first, I wasn't very meticulous and I missed a few moments. Here are the pictures not taken:

1) Starbucks – I got a Tall Iced Caffe Mocha with Extra Whipped Cream, my standard order. It's definitely more on the bitter side, but I've gotten sick of sugary drinks. I'll have to ask them to go easy on the ice next time, because I ended up with so much of it left, and that means less room for coffee.

2) Apple Pie – This year is a special one for pi day, also known as 3/14, because the year, 2015, makes the date, 3/14/15, the first 5 digits of pi. At 9:26:53pm, that made it the first 10 digits of pi, so as I was at Diana's house, we celebrated with all kinds of pie. I only had a small slice of apple pie, but it was so cute, because Safeway had made them personal sized and each was $3.14. ◊

Food Friday #011 – Bread and Spread

It's been quite a while since I've done an official Food Friday post, so I thought I'd do a quick one just to stay in a regular posting habit. This week has been good and bad, but one thing that always cheers me up is good food. I found a stack of soft pita breads in the fridge, and lately with all of the In-N-Out I've been eating I've collected a good stash of their sauce, so I put the two together and it was heavenly. In-N-Out sauce ("spread" as they call it) is their signature sauce that they use on their burgers. It's also good with a number of other foods, including, but not limited to, quesadillas, wraps, sandwiches, and salad. If you're there next time, just ask them for some extra sauce and they usually hand out two or so in a little packet. The sauce is very perishable, so if you're not going to eat it right away, make sure it goes into the fridge. Toodley-pip, that's all for now! ◊

It's a Beautiful Day :)

It's a Monday, and I'm really happy it's a Monday, which is weird because Mondays typically mean going back to school and for this particular Monday, facing Daylight Savings Time. But Monday also means a short day and now that speech and debate is pretty much over (with the exception of State, but that is a whole other story) I barely have any work. Second semester senior year has officially begun! Diana and I had been discussing skipping sixth period because there's nothing to do on short Mondays in speech anyway, but I wasn't feeling particularly rebellious, so I said nah. I wish I had though, because as predicted, nothing happened in speech. It wasn't too bad, because there's also beautiful weather, with a bright hot sun that only burns if you stay still too long, and that can only mean froyo weather. So after school today, I went with a couple of friends to Yogurtland.

They were having a special, with new flavors, so I tried a whole bunch out. I always love sampling the flavors and figuring out which ones to well together. Unfortunately, it was pretty busy in the shop so I couldn't decide, and just threw a few together, I think Banana Pudding, Churro, and Salted Caramel Pecan. I love Yogurtland because they have really distinct flavors, but these kind of blended together. I'm also a huge fan of toppings, but my advice to you: skip the whipped cream and go easy on the sprinkles.

Life's been looking up at the moment. In summary, my room is clean, there's abundant food in the fridge – even tiramisu and juice! – the weather is getting warmer, and I even found my wedge sneakers that I've been missing for half a year. Now all I need is for my teachers to update the grades and keep on plugging on at Bio and Stats, and I'm good to go. Everything feels normal, and I am really, really enjoying it. I tried a face mask yesterday (even though it did make me break out a little bit) and I did my nails. Of course, there's the nice little surprise from UC Irvine, which means I don't have to worry about college anymore, and, Agents of SHIELD is back on! Life is good right now :)

Speaking of TV shows, I have access to Netflix now, and somehow I decided it would be a good idea to bingewatch both seasons of OITNB in one weekend. So I did. And keep in mind that each season is thirteen episodes and each episode is an hour long. But thinking about it now (of course, it's been less than 24 hours since) I have no regrets, because sometimes it's just good to isolate and vegetate for a bit. I've logged out of Tumblr and I've been trying to wean myself off of social media again, so I'm also going to try to stay off of Netflix, but it's really just too hard to resist. I started watching another Netflix original, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (which has some of the same actors as OITNB, amusing). I have to say, I don't love it; it's cheesy and I hate to say it, but "lame" is the only word to quite describe it, but it has its clever moments somehow. There's only one season, and each episode is only twenty-ish minutes long, so I can probably finish all thirteen episodes tonight. The only homework I have is four Stats problems, and they're not even due tomorrow because of block scheduling.

I'm glad I have something happy to share again. I use this blog a lot for ranting and venting, but I also really want or hope that it's somewhere where I can document the positive moments as well, and I'd love to be able to do that more. Hope you're having a wonderful day as well! ◊

#obsessed: Polaroid – Imagine Dragons

It takes me quite a bit of effort to get into new music. I prefer passive exposure and then later looking up the song if it gets stuck in my head, and I hate wasting time looking into new music. That said, I was very hesitant when I heard that Imagine Dragons released a new album. I liked their Night Visions album, but wasn't really sure if I wanted to try their new music. I finally gave in during my epic procrastination from studying and put their entire album on play on Spotify. I wasn't too thrilled with the album overall, but I did end up really liking this song. I'm trying something new with this embedded Spotify player, so hopefully it works for everyone even without a Spotify account. I'll try it out on other computers and browsers just in case, but if anyone has a problem getting it to work, let me know and I'll go back to using the embedded Youtube videos. Hope you like this song as much as I did! ◊

Weary Life Update

Two weeks and I'm still sick. The blisters on my throat are back and seem to be worse than ever, but I'm actually having an easier time dealing with it. Maybe I'm used to it, maybe it just doesn't hurt as much in the first place. I should see the doctor, especially as it's been so long, but I have an appointment in about five days anyway so I might as well just wait it out. It's definitely not life threatening or anything.

There's been so much going on recently and it's just a lot to process. I've been feeling sad again lately for some reason, but it's been up and down, with the ups and downs moving faster and faster like an oscillating line getting smaller and smaller. I have a capricious temperament and a lot of the time I just drift through life, oblivious, until my thoughts collect enough to come to a conclusion about my situation, and then I dwell on it until I become morose and poetic. Edgar Allen Poe? More like Edgar Allen NO.

I've been so anxious that I've been trying to plan a visit to the school counselor for a while now, but I always end up being busy on Thursday when I'm planning to see her. I'll have to check in tomorrow to see when she's in again. In an attempt to get back on track and stay focused, I've tried quitting Tumblr again, but instead, I've been on Netflix. I bingewatched an entire season of Young Justice before Squals, and now I'm watching Orange Is The New Black. Agents of SHIELD is also back, but it's not on Netflix, so I'll probably just watch it a week late. It's such a good show and the newest episode was amazing.

Onto the good news, things have been looking up in speech and life. I qualified to the State Tournament last Sunday at Squals when I placed seventh in expos. I just barely qualified, but I did! I did it! It finally feels like all these years are paying off, and finally, finally I have reached the level of accomplishment that I set as my goal. It's such a wonderful feeling of satisfaction, and I almost cried after I got my award. I've broken at every tournament I've gone to this semester, and hopefully that keeps up further.

Today I also checked my email and saw something from UC Irvine beginning with "Dear Honors Student." I was petrified because I thought decisions didn't come out until March 31 and maybe this was just one of those mistakes where they send out wrong emails early to students, but I checked the portal and I was admitted to UC Irvine! I'm going somewhere for college! I actually did cry for this. Realistically I shouldn't be so worried but it's still a welcome relief, because I know for sure that I will be going somewhere after high school. Now I'm just waiting on the rest of them, but it takes off a lot of pressure knowing there's a decent backup in my pocket.

Back to the present, in which I have a math test tomorrow that I'm procrastinating for by writing this. It's that perfectionist nature again, because I've been sick and absent for so many days this chapter that I feel like I can't do well enough on the test, so why try at all? It's a slow and arduous process, trying to get myself to do things. I stayed up until 1AM yesterday trying to get two homework assignments done in order to prepare for the test. I still have one and a half more to go. I was actually supposed to take it today in tutorial, but I was saved by a Code Red drill, so I'm taking it tomorrow during tutorial and lunch. After school I have another coaching for expos, and then it's the weekend. Almost there!

So much has been going on, both positive and negative, that I just need a break to process it all. Luckily, for the first time in a long time, I don't have anything planned for this weekend except for an orthodontist appointment, so I'll be able to relax a bit. The rest of this month is actually looking quite quiet on the weekends, which I will definitely take advantage of. I'd like nothing more than to sleep for eighteen hours straight. But for now, back to work. ◊