Thus Begins the Swim Season

I. Feel. Dead.

In a good way.

Today was the first day of another swim season. This is my sixth year swimming competitively, though I haven't swam year round since freshman year, due to lack of time in high school. Somewhere over the course of the year after the last swim season, I've unfortunately fallen severely out of shape. A once solid six-pack has been replaced by the dreaded six-flab, raisin lungs are very apparent, and stamina is nonexistent. Today's set wasn't even very hard, but I was still heaving by the end of practice. In my defense, I forgot to bring water, and water was always getting into my ear, but the truth is, if I want to be competitive again, I'm going to have to work harder. The main thing holding me back at the moment is my schedule. It looks something like this (times are approximate):

7:00am-8:00am – Wake up, morning routine, get to school

8:00am-3:00pm – School

3:00pm-4:00pm – Meetings, clubs, speech & debate, stretch & warm-up for practice

4:00pm-6:00pm – Swim practice

6:00pm-8:00pm – Clean up, go home, shower, dinner, etc.

8:00pm-8:30pm – Science homework

8:30pm-10:00pm – Math homework

10:00pm-10:30pm – History homework

10:30pm-11:00pm – English homework

11:00pm-????am –Whatever needs to be finished and sleep

Lather, rinse, and repeat the next day.

As much as I miss actually having time to procrastinate enjoy leisure activities, such as reading, watching movies, or hanging out with friends, there are plenty of upsides to being insanely busy. One, I only have to think about what I'm doing at the moment; I don't have time to think about what I'm feeling, which means less apathy upon reflecting on all the things that are wrong with the world. Two, I like being in shape. I can physically do more, I'm more alert during the day, and I'm less lethargic all the time. Also, since I'm so tired after swimming, I can sleep better at night, even if I don't get to sleep for a long time. It feels so wonderful to be doing something I enjoy again, and to know that I can still enjoy certain activities. It's quite ironic, but out of all the things that I do – art, speech and debate, swimming – I outwardly enjoy swimming the least. But despite all the cold and wet and the chlorine smell that lingers for months, swimming is something that I know I can succeed in if I commit myself to it. There are no judges to please, no critics to amuse. Just the embrace of the pool, and the smooth glide of my hands into the water, and out again as I pull myself forward with my own strength and willpower.

Each day I die, but my spirit is renewed.

#obsessed: Animals - Martin Garrix

As the typical teen, I've found myself transitioning through music phases, from pop, to rap, and now to EDM. I really like this song, and on top of everything, Martin Garrix, the guy who made it, is only 17!

Hate!

With depression, I often have to trick myself into thinking differently. It doesn't work to say "Hey, just think POSITIVE!" because when you can't even feel normal, there's no way to feel positive. The most important, most urgent thing, is to stop feeling hopeless and apathetic. The only problem is, you always have to be feeling something, so you can't just stop feeling sad. You can't feel happy either, so what do you do? Here's the trick: you feel angry. You can hate anything and everything and that will be ok. Hate the depression. Hate school. Hate work. Hate the people that don't care. Hate the ignorance and stupidity of the world. Anything works, as long as you can stop feeling miserable. Anger, though just as negative as sadness, is a lot easier to work with, because it is a feeling of action, that you can work with and wrangle until something happens. Sadness is a deadening, poisonous fog. Anger is a killer laser beam. Once you're out of the way of both of them, and observe them from a distance, the sadness will still be there, but you can manipulate the laser at whatever needs to be destroyed, including the sad fog. The result is you'll be able to do things again, and then move on from there.

This post to be continued. With pictures. Once I have time. Once all the fog is burned off.

In the meantime, here's a song.

#obsessed: Best Day Of My Life - American Authors

I recently rediscovered this wonderful little song. It's just so happy and uplifting, the perfect song to complete your mood when you're having a good day.

This song also inspired me to pursue something new. I've always tried to keep journals, but they were so time consuming that I'd just stop after a week. A few weeks ago, I watched a video about a woman who was doing the "100 Day Challenge," where one does something new every day for 100 days in a row. She was trying to lose weight while working her way out of a bad situation and depression. I was thoroughly impressed by her dedication and honesty, to film her struggle and share it with the world. It inspired me to do the challenge as well. I understand that depression is not permanent, that it has its highs and lows. Sometimes, when I have normal days, depression is just another problem that I need to overcome. I use the clarity in that state of mind to figure out the problem inside and out. Through this process, I've discovered a few things about depression, and I'm glad that I have those things to hold on to and think about when I start to feel myself slipping back into the dark emptiness. These last few days, I've found that it gives me hope to reflect on the highlight of my day, no matter how small it is. Therefore, my 100 Day Challenge will be to record myself saying something that made me happy that day. At the end of the 100 days, if I've managed to keep it up for 100 days, and if the videos are good, then I'll compile them into one video and post it here on my blog. Wish me luck!

Bad Things Happen

I try hard to be a good person. It makes no sense that bad things should happen when I try to be nice. Today I was doing some work on my computer, and my little brother needed to use it. I obliged, and immediately went to the "Switch User" screen. In my haste, I did not bother to save my work on an online application I was working on. I watched in agony as nothing I tried to do worked to save my poor computer. I tried to escape, I tried to cancel, I tried to put the computer to sleep and reopen it to see if it responded, but none of it was effective. In desperation, I resorted to a force restart, so I could at least use my computer again. I got hopeful once my computer realized that there was a problem and offered to open all the applications that I was using before the crash, and I was extremely excited when Google Chrome offered to reopen the deleted tabs. Somewhere inside of me, a little voice told me that I hadn't saved, therefore the work would be lost, and I was devastated when it was right. Sometimes long essays may be hard to write, but it is even harder to write short essays. How much can one learn about a person through only 150 words?! I had put so much time and effort into that paragraph, and I was so proud of it, but in the end, it was all lost. Sure, I can rewrite it, but it just isn't the same. Writing is only good when you're in that mode.

Two things to keep in mind from this incident:
1) Correlation does not equal causation. Always try to be a good person, no matter what happens.
2) Always SAVE everything before you start something else. You never know what is going to happen.

But I'm still mad.

That moment when the computer crashes and you didn't save.

I am Awkward

I've always been an extremely awkward person. I make spoonerisms, trip over nothing (or ghost feets, you never know), and I'm always the person to start AND end awkward silences. I also make a lot of random comments and noises. Most of it has to do with my extreme introvertedness, which limits my social contact to a bare minimum. It's driven away at least a few potential people of interest of the opposite gender networking opportunities. Most of the time, when I'm in public, I just try to stay away from people as much as possible. At parties, I'll be sitting at the table just panicking about how to "socialize" while everyone's playing Just Dance 4 and in general, having a great time. I'm surprised at how I even have friends left, and I am beyond grateful for the ones I have, because they've managed to stay with me despite my weirdness and tendency to not respond at all sometimes. However, they're always telling me to "just be yourself" as if being myself could make me more social. If I would "just be myself" at a social gathering, I'd bring a book and read and not talk at all.

Sitting on the middle of the rug reading a book.

An ideal birthday party for me would be to take a few good friends to a bookstore, and then we'd all just sit and read. Of course, no one would find that any fun but me, so there goes that idea.

P.S. You may have noticed that this blog post now utilizes proper grammar and capitalization (for the most part). This is an attempt to establish myself as a more "legitimate" blog in an effort to become famous so I won't have to actually work to sustain myself. I am also beginning a campaign of shameless promoting at the end of each blog post until I hit 5 subscribers. Once I hit 5 subscribers, I'll do something else. If you like what you are seeing on this blog, please share it, subscribe, and/or leave a comment or reaction! If you don't like what you are seeing on this blog, tell people about how much you hate it. Either way I get free publicity (I'm so smart)! Thanks for reading!

I need a tablet!

so quite unfortunately, comments are still not showing up, and i don't know how to fix it. then again, no one really reads this blog, so there's no point in having comments anyway. but what i really need is a tablet.

this is a tablet for drawing on the computer.

as of right now i'm managing ok on a mac trackpad and this wonderful drawing program called inkscape, which is a free vector drawing program, but to make high quality mass quantities of drawings, a tablet is much better. you can draw like using a regular pencil and paper, which is more comfortable than finger and trackpad (not very accurate and feels like finger painting). i have no idea how allie brosh at hyperbole and a half made all of those drawings on MS paint. i just can't fathom it.

if anyone happens to stumble across this blog and has a tablet that could be donated to a poor broke high school student, please contact me. somehow. i really want need a tablet. i'll even make a drawing for you. in the meantime, enjoy this representation of me frustrated at not having a tablet.

i should also remember to put a signature on stuff so people can't take it. oh well. be a good person and don't use this stuff without permissions. pls. thanks.

#obsessed: No Better - Lorde

i've always been a big fan of Lorde, not just her song "Royals", but her entire album. though all the songs are good, my favorites have to be "Team" and "400 Lux". recently, she released a new single – "No Better". it's a lot more lighthearted and upbeat than the songs on her album, but its just as mesmerizing. i've been listening to it on repeat, and i just can't get tired of it. the beat is amazing and her voice is very ethereal. listen and just close your eyes:

Pessimistic New Year!

yayyyyy it's 2014! new year, new start, right? wrong. life will go on just as it has been for years upon years, decades upon decades, centuries and upon centuries, millennium upon millennium, era upon era, and you get the picture. the universe honestly doesn't care that the inhabitants upon a certain planet amongst the trillions of trillions of spheres in it declares an arbitrary day to be the beginning of a new revolution around the sun. who knows where the Earth first started out? so before you get all upbeat about a new year meaning better things happening, lets take a look at the past years shall we? of all the new years resolutions you've ever made, how many have you accomplished? all of them? you're lying. 10? you've got an iron will and impressive memory. 5? those may or may not have been actual resolutions. 3? pretty good. 1? you're still above average. last year, my only resolution was to eat a cupcake every month (no joke). seems easy enough, but by the time april came and went, i had forgotten all about it. I'm not trying to burst your bubble miss sunshine, I'm just trying to be realistic here. people get too caught up in the moment and spirit of "new". but if you're going to insist on being serious about new year's resolutions, i have 4 tips (in honor of 2014).

1) make it manageable. don't try things you've never done before and have no idea how to do. instead, try taking something you're familiar with and make yourself better at it. if you want to learn juggling, you're most likely not going to learn it all over the course of a year. it might take a year to learn the theory behind it, but only over the course of a few years, will you be able to "really" juggle. already know how to juggle? consider making it a goal to able to juggle 5 oranges instead of 4. maybe you want to try that cool pass under your leg trick that you heard about. the point is you don't have to try new things. you're fine as you are, but remember that there's always room for improvement.

2) consider your circumstances. do you really have time to go to the gym every day? every month? look for ways to incorporate your goals into your routine. Professor Jennifer Aaker of Stanford University teaches a great lesson in the power of multipliers, or getting multiple things done with one task. it's a great video and i highly recommend it.

3) have a material goal. what does it mean to "get better" at something? theres no tangible result, which makes it hard to motivate yourself to work for it, and its harder to keep track of. instead of "get fit" or "lose 5 pounds" try "be able to do 70 sit-ups in a row". in regards to the "lose 5 pounds" goal, in not sure if its just me, but it seems quite negative to try to "lose" anything. so stay positive as well!

4) be nice to yourself. you don't have to deprive yourself completely. if you're trying to give up sweets do it gradually. at first, while you're still in the spirit of self control, limit yourself to only 5 pieces of candy per week. then the next week work it down to 4. then 3. and by that time, your self control will be wearing off, but you'll already be used to less candy, and you can continue that habit for the rest of the year. who knows, maybe next year, you can get rid of the habit all together. but honestly, one year is not that much time. its ok if something takes more than a year to accomplish.

im not making any resolutions this year, because i know it will be highly unlikely that i will be accomplishing any of them, and as long as you keep your expectations low, you can't be disappointed right? I'm honestly just hoping I'm get to stay alive, because i have second semester junior year ahead of me, summer programs, and college apps at the end of the year. just thinking about it makes me cry, and for the first time ever, I'm not excited for the new year at all. but to the rest of you, best wishes and happy new year.

Depression and TED Talks

I have lots of problems. Depression is one of them. On the outside I'm a person who's got everything together. I've got above average grades, leadership and extracurriculars, friends, family, and happiness, but on the inside I'm just a shriveled up prune of a soul buried deep in the muck of sadness and stress. Some days it's just unbearable, and I just want to end it all and dissolve into the fabric of time and space. It's not that I want to die, it's just that I don't want to live. Allie Brosh (whom I adore) explains it here and here on her blog "Hyperbole and a Half". Go read it. She's brilliant, and it really explains what its like to have depression. If you don't want to take the time to read all of it, this panel was most striking and describes how I feel most of the time:

I'm also a big fan of TED Talks. I'm sad that there's simply not enough time for me to watch every single TED Talk ever, but I can at least watch some of the more relevant ones and spread them across the internet so more people can see them. I literally pester people on Facebook, saying "THIS VIDEO IS BRILLIANT GO WATCH IT NOWWWWWWW" and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but the people that watch it always agree. So I'm telling you right now: THIS VIDEO IS BRILLIANT GO WATCH IT NOWWWWWWW.

I completely agree about the stigma of depression. I realize that I keep telling people that I'm "tired," but what I should really be saying is "I suffer from depression." But I can't. Because people don't want to have to deal with that burden of knowing that someone is depressed, because then you have to be nice to that person and care about their feelings, and isn't it so much easier when you don't have to care about anyone's feelings and just do and say what you want? What this world lacks is empathy, or whatever word it is that means the ability to care about other people's feelings and react appropriately. The ignorance of people is what is preventing people that are suffering from getting the help that they need. And I need help. I don't necessarily need pills and therapists, I just need someone to understand completely and be sad with me. That's really all. And realize that it's ok to be sad. Don't try to push the sadness out by forcing happiness and positivity on them. It doesn't work. Sadness has to melt away on its own. So if you ever meet a person that says, "I'm tired," just give them a hug and say "It's ok. What's wrong? I'm here to listen." If they don't say anything, just listen to their silence. Sometimes all they need is a person to be there, because by giving your time and just being there, you're telling them "Look, you matter. That's why I'm here." It's that simple. You could be saving their life.

tl;dr Well, if you didn't read all of it, too bad. Go back up to the beginning and read and watch all of it, because this stuff matters.

This post has been edited to include proper grammar.