Spring Break is coming to an end, so I thought I'd do a bit of a general update. So many random things happened, so I might as well just list out a few to save the trouble of trying to find connections between all these events. Here are three notable things-that-happened this week:
1. Hell Week (supposedly insanely intense workouts for a week) for swimming fell apart by Wednesday, when we took team pictures. On Thursday, traffic on Almaden Expressway was so bad, the coach showed up 30 minutes late, so a lot of people left to go get food. I went with two friends to get donuts and Starbucks, and when we got back, the team played football instead. It was really hot, so I just wore my suit and leggings and sat around the field, but despite not really moving, I got stung by a bee right on the middle of my back. At first, I assumed a tick or something had bit me, so without thinking, I yanked what I thought was a small bug out of my back. It looked like a thorn, until a friend told me I had a bee still on my suit. It wasn't too bad, I guess because I pulled out the stinger so quickly, but it still itches. The winning team (Frosh/Soph vs Junior/Senior) did not have practice on Friday, so basically we only had two days of actual swim practice.
2. I am currently crushing on ThatcherJoe, a British Youtuber who is absolutely hilarious, and also quite attractive. On Saturday, he did a live show on a website called YouNow, which was also hosting an iPad Mini giveaway, so I thought, why not, I have as much of a chance as anyone else of winning, right? Unsurprisingly, I didn't win. He also promised to follow people back on Twitter who used a certain hashtag, so (I know this is pathetic don't judge me too harshly) I made a Twitter account. Just so I could get a celebrity to follow me. Is that sad and shallow? Yes. Do I regret it? Also yes. Right now all it is a a vomit of bright garish purple, because I didn't care enough to customize the theme too carefully. If I don't get a follow, I think I might just get rid of it forever, because it is too open (not enough privacy) for my taste. I waste enough time on Facebook already, and that is enough social media for me. Another thing with websites such as Twitter or Instagram is that it all just seems like a big popularity contest: how many followers, how many hashtags, how many likes. Though Facebook also has likes, it feels different, as more is not necessarily better (it depends on how many friends you have, which in turn depends on how many people you know, which isn't something to compete in, because it's better to have quality over quantity, for the most part).
3. During breaks, I like to catch up on movies, and today I watched In Time. I didn't like it a lot, but I didn't dislike it either; the idea was good, but it could have been executed better. Basically, in a future society, everyone stops aging at 25, but once you hit age 25, you only have one year to live, unless you earn more time. It got me thinking, what if everyone knew exactly how long they had to live? Suppose, if everyone, regardless of race or gender, had exactly and only 50 or 70 years to live, no exceptions? What would the world focus on? Would people finally cooperate to make everyone's life as easy as possible, or would each person selfishly try to live life to the fullest? It is a question that will never be answered, but it is interesting to think about nonetheless.
I'm glad I did a lot of blogging during this break. AP testing is coming up, so I probably won't be able to do another blog post in a while. Now, back to work that I procrastinated on!
In my last post, I mentioned shopping and accessories. With so many new earrings, I needed a place to store them, but I have neither the time nor money to go get a nice storage rack, so I decided to make my own. My mom had bought me a new pair of TOMS-like shoes in a cute beige, flowery box, so when I was cleaning my room today, I thought, "This could be useful," and didn't throw it away. Barely five minutes later, when I decided to make my own earring shelf, it came in handy.
You will need:
1 paper box
Skewers (I used 3 little bamboo ones) or similar object, must be at least 1/2'' wider than box
Ruler
Pen
Item that can make holes (in my case, I just used the pen)
Earrings
Tape
Optional: Dried sponge and can lid
Directions
Decide which end of the box you want to use as the top. Starting on one side, line the ruler on the side perpendicularly down from the top. Mark the first hole at 1'' from the top, the second hole 2'' from the first hole, and the third hole 3'' from the second hole. Do the same for the other side.
Punch out small holes just big enough for the skewers to fit through at each of the holes.
Slide in the skewers through the corresponding holes, making sure that some of the skewer pokes out of each side of the box.
Hang dangly earrings or hoops on the rungs of the shelf, according to length. Backs do not need to be removed.
Remove backings from stud earrings. Stick stud earrings in dried sponge. Place backings in can lid. Arrange as needed.
Tape down box if necessary.
If my earring collection grows, though not likely in the near future, I will probably make a new one, or buy a proper shelf. It's certainly not perfect, nor is it the prettiest or biggest, but it serves its purpose for now. What I like most about it is that you don't need to remove the earring backs for the dangly earrings, and the ends on the skewers that stick out can be used as a post to hang large sets that are still on the plastic cards. On a sturdier box that has longer rungs, I could also hang bracelets and necklaces, if I had any. I do look forward to buying more things and enjoying the little perks in life while I can, and making more crafts and tutorials.
So it is SPRING BREAK and I am in an extremely good mood. The week was off to an awesome start beginning on Sat, April 12, because it was Junior Prom! Going in, I had no idea what to expect, because I had never been to a high school dance before, so I made up my mind that no matter what, I was going to have fun. It wouldn't matter who I was with, or what song was playing, I was just going to go out there and enjoy myself. If that meant just flat out ignoring the people that I did not like, and floating between friend groups, so be it. I didn't have a date, so the second part was a bit easier, and I'm glad to say that my strategy worked. I was able to dance with all of my friends, not just four or five people, so I was always seeing fresh faces. The dance itself was an amazing experience; so many of my favorite songs came on (of course, at a Leland dance, the night would not be complete without the Cha-Cha-Slide)!
The day started off earlier than that, because first of all, I had yet to buy shoes and earrings. I had mentioned the fact to a friend earlier that week, and we made plans to meet up and go shopping together at the last minute on Saturday morning. We went to at least six different stores, but ended up at Claire's after all. It's always fun to go shopping with a friend, because so many sales are "Buy Two, Get One Free!" and you know you can never pass up a deal like that. As a result, we were each able to buy one pair of earrings, and I was able to get a third set for free!
After that, we went on a slight detour to De Masqe, because the clothes there are cute and most of all, cheap. The preeminent reason for going in in the first place was a huge, plain sign, advertising "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE." I left the store with two hi-lo dresses for $25! Though I'm not very good at wearing strapless dresses, I bought the striped one because I really like the top design. Even if I can't wear it, I figure it would still make a nice gift. The black (it looks navy blue in the picture) one is very simple and light, but also neat enough for a semi-formal affair. I plan on wearing it to the swim banquet at the end of the season.
If I had to say, the best part of the day was definitely shoe shopping. We went to Macy's and Nordstrom, and some other smaller shoe shops, but all of the shoes were either too expensive, too uncomfortable, too hard to walk in, or just plain ugly on my feet. Curious, we went into Payless to see if they had any nice shoes, and I was astounded by the wide selection they offered. I fell in love with this pair, and when I tried them on, they were perfect. Not only are they super tall and comfortable, they were only $20, but that's not the main point. This pair of heels is probably the first and only pair that I've managed to wear for three hours without tripping, soreness, blisters, raw patches, or slippage. People called me crazy, but I actually danced with these on the whole time. I couldn't be happier, and next year I will definitely be looking for a dress based on this pair of shoes – no joke! As a side note, the customer service at Payless was excellent. The cashier was incredibly positive and helpful, offering to find sizes and even applying a $10 off discount to my friend's shoes. I will certainly be going to Payless first thing next time I am looking for shoes.
Finally, we stopped at Target because I wanted some sparkly, silver nail polish. Even though it was a bit of a splurge, I got the Essie "Ignite the Night," very aptly named, considering that I was going to wear it to prom. I originally wore it as an accent nail on top of blue polish to match my dress, but since that manicure washed off over the course of a week's worth of swim practice, I repainted my nails in just silver polish. I like this one a lot; it looks dark in the bottle, but it is actually a very light, glowy shimmer that makes my nails look longer. The glitter is very fine, and because it's Essie, it is incredibly durable. Though I bought it on a whim, I don't regret it at all.
Finally came the event itself. My friend Sonia did my hair and makeup, and for one night, I felt perfect. I had the earrings, I had the shoes, I had the dress, and I had a wonderful time. The dress, with a halter top, wasn't the best to dance in (it was really hot) but a lot of people remarked that I looked like an Egyptian queen. My opinion differs, but it was very popular, apparently. I even got a compliment from a cheerleader that I didn't know very well, which was a weird experience, but I guess it was nice. The only problem was that it was a lot longer than I had thought it was, especially the train in the back, so people kept stepping on it, but at least I didn't fall flat on my face. Another fun, random moment was when I saw a big, white feather lying on a table, as part of the Gatsby theme, and I stuck it in my shopping friend's hair. Since she wore an updo, it was very simple, and it went with her silver dress, but I didn't expect other people to try it too. Pretty soon, girls and guys were pilfering the decorations for feathers, and I had started a trend. The only problem was most people wore their hair down, so without a ton of bobby pins, the feathers didn't stay in. Prom turned out so much better than I had expected, and I am so glad I took a risk and went, because you're only this young once. (Picture from Isabelle.)
After shopping and prom, I was feeling particularly fabulous, but tired, so I spent the Sunday in bed on the internet, recovering from three hours of dancing in heels. While trawling through every procrastinating website I could think of, I stumbled upon this Buzzfeed article. I am now #obsessed with this song, "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea and Charli XCX. I love the chorus; it makes me want to buy accessories – necklaces, rings, you name it – and look like a queen every day.
I cannot cook. Once, I literally burnt a salad. Don't ask how, because I don't know.
But, if there's one thing I can do, it is to cook a perfect pancake. Yes, I do use a mix, but that is irrelevant.
Today I made banana pancakes!
The trick is to use real maple syrup. The last time I went to Safeway for maple syrup, I noticed that most of the regular bottles of "maple syrup" in their plastic, cabin shaped (for whatever reason) jugs are actually just high fructose corn syrup. The "Real, 100% Organic" maple syrups were in glass flasks. Curious, I bought one of the real syrups, though they were more than twice the price per ounce. The difference was well worth the cost. Real maple syrup is light and sweet, and you can taste the amber goodness all the way through. I don't think I can ever go back to fake maple syrup. Time to move to Canada!
Today is the first day of April, which means that I only have two months to get my life together, salvage what's left of my GPA, apply for summer programs, and take about seven different types of standardized tests. Needless to say, I am worried sick.
I also happen to be literally sick. I blame it on the weather after swim practice yesterday, but there's not much I can do about that. From what I hear, school was pretty interesting today. There was a pop quiz in AP Environmental Science that turned out to be an April Fool's joke, and there was a substitute teacher for math. English went to an assembly to prepare for choosing senior year classes instead of doing synthesis essays. In general, there was no homework, and on top of everything, it was a short day because it's Tuesday.
Despite missing out on all that fun, I haven't had to do much either today except for reading and sleeping, but I should be studying more for math. The calculus final begins tomorrow, and is in total a span of four days over the next two weeks. I am scared to death about this final, because I need to raise my grade to at least a B in this class, because at this point, I've pretty much accepted that I won't be able to earn an A.
Again, thinking about all this makes me worry for my future, and combined with the rain, everything looks grey and dreary right now. Luckily, I am armed with homemade pear juice, homemade cookies, music, youtube, and the limitless resources of the internet (which I use mostly to read books). I could be studying. I could be writing an essay. But it feels good to be able to put everything aside and just relax for a while.
So I just spent the last 9 hours straight reading all three books of the Maze Runner series.
What?
I know right. I'm thinking the same. I don't know how it happened. One moment I was watching the movie trailer on Youtube, then the next moment I was extremely confused, and finally there was a happily ever after.
Again, what?
I'm still confused myself. Today, I was supposed to accomplish several things, including dress shopping for prom, math homework, science homework, and a head start on a large english essay. Since I will be dress shopping tomorrow instead, it looks like the essay will have to wait.
Other updates on life include a mild panic attack about the future and colleges and all that stuff after seeing a post about one acquaintance who was admitted to four elite colleges (MIT, Princeton, Brown, and Cornell), and lots to rain today. A lot of people say that rain is peaceful and calming, but for me, rain just stresses me out. It's literally like the sound of impending doom, especially when it's raining really hard. Luckily, after talking to a friend, I found out that I'm not alone in this opinion. Still, I guess I'm just a bit weird, and always will be. But that's ok. I accept and even like my weirdness. It's just a problem when I'm afraid that other people don't. Here I could make a comment about the weird culture of conformity that America has somehow found itself in, but I won't because I can't adequately explain it. I'm still very confused at the moment.
This post has generally been a confusing mess because I'm still reeling from the events in that series. I'm sorry, and hopefully I'll be more coherent in my next post. Do I dare press [Publish]? Yes. #YOLO What?
Junior year has been rough so far, but I'm still alive, and that's a victory. I've just been trying to get through everything day to day that I haven't noticed that 1/4 of the year has already passed! A lot has happened in that time so I feel like it's time for an update. For the first time in a long time, my general mood is happy, and though this change of mood is attributed to many things, I'd like to point out a few in particular. First of all, thank you to all my friends, who have been mostly, if not always, there for me, whether online or in person. Secondly, I'd like to thank coffee, specifically, the Starbucks Limited Edition Dark Chocolate Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino. It's just something that I hadn't realized I had been missing in my life, so welcome back caffeine. Thirdly, I'd like to thank swim season for forcing me to get off of my butt and back into shape. Though now I'm always sore, exercise + coffee = a happier Carol. I've been long overdue for a little update on these things, so here we go!
Friday, February 14th – Valentine's Day Party @ Leland HS
Once again, Valentine's Day came and went, and once again, I was #foreveralone. I did, however, enjoy a wonderful food party during my art class, and each person made and distributed little cards for all their classmates. Everyone was appreciated and had a great time, which is one of the few remaining parts of Valentine's Day that is still meaningful. Most of the other stuff has been so commercialized that it's just an excuse to buy things. If you really had a special person, why only show that you appreciate them on one specially set aside day? Obviously, we all know flowers eventually die, but sugar is forever (memorialized on one's body in the form of a muffin top).
Saturday, February 22nd – League III Speech @ Sequoia High School First of all, can I just say that I'm extremely jealous of Sequoia's campus? It has its own tea garden like some sort of fairytale paradise. Leland, with its impassive walls and abused quad (I'm looking at you, mudsliders), is like a prison compound in comparison.
The tournament itself was pretty successful. Five other Leland students and I made it to the semifinals round in Foreign Extemp, which I'm pretty happy about. Three Leland students were finalists in National Extemp, but none in Foreign Extemp. Still, it's been a great year; I'm glad I do Extemp, and I sure will miss the seniors on this team when they graduate.
Wednesday, March 5th – Celebrating Dr. Seuss's Birthday @ the Library
Look! Some cake! It isn't fake...?
Rhyming like Dr. Seuss is harder than it seems. So moving on, what's up with this cake? By lucky random coincidence, I was at the public library after school before swim practice for my weekly counseling appointment (which have been extremely helpful by the way; if you're struggling through a hard time in your life, make sure that you talk to someone – counselors, teachers, friends, and parents are there to listen and help). As it turns out, they were having a belated birthday party for Dr. Seuss, and there was a huge cake just sitting there on the table. There weren't many people at the library at that time, and I couldn't let the cake go to waste, so I went and asked for a piece. They gave me two. Later, during swim practice, I may have regretted that decision, but it was delicious at the time, and how often do you get free cake? So remember kids, make good decisions, but also keep in mind that you only live once.
Sunday, March 9th – Pancakes and Daylight Savings Time @ My House
This particular day was the start of Daylight Savings Time and the State Qualifying Tournament for speech and debate. Though I was somewhat disappointed that I wasn't going, I was mostly glad that I didn't have to get up an hour earlier to go to the tournament. Funny story is, I was on the alternate list, and when one of the other speakers got sick, a friend called me to see if I could go. Unfortunately, I was not aware of this information, so I actually did not know that I was potentially going. When he called me at 8am that morning, I was still more than half asleep when I answered the phone while in bed. I thought that someone had called the wrong number, so I just hung up. I fully woke up about 4 hours later and made myself a nice pancake breakfast, with whipped cream, strawberries, butter, and maple syrup. It was absolutely scrumptious. On Monday at school, my friend asked me if I had gotten a call (just to make sure that he had called the right number) and when I checked my phone, he had indeed called me. They did find another alternate in the end, so everything turned out alright, and we all had a good laugh about it.
Thursday, March 14th – Sidewalk Chalk Contest @ Leland HS
Should I even try to explain this?
1) It's a giant blue head with a pained facial expression.
2) It's supposed to be hideous.
3) SPOILER ALERT: It did not win.
Basically, my friend Sonia and I entered last minute into the Sidewalk Chalk Contest for our school's first ever Arts Appreciation Week. While other contestants drew intricately detailed fish, swirls, faces, and even an interpretation of the Mona Lisa, we decided to troll and draw the ugliest thing possible. How we ever got comments like, "Oh wow, it's so pretty!" is completely beyond me. I don't know how to explain beyond that. So I'll just leave that there.
Thursday, March 20th – Running @ THE HILL
On Thursdays, we do dryland. It is not fun.
The Hill is a five mile long unofficial course that is occasionally run by the water polo team for strength/endurance/pain-tolerance-level training. About a third of it is regular running on a flat dirt trail, another third is a steep, uphill climb past rich people's houses, and the last third is a downhill road that goes back to the school. Looking back, the run itself wasn't as bad as I had expected, but I am still suffering from the aftereffects. I can't walk properly because of the stiffness and soreness of my legs, but at least it's an excuse to stay in bed for a little longer on weekend mornings.
There are a lot more things that happened in these first three months of 2014, but I either don't remember them, or don't have pictures, or don't remember them because I don't have pictures. I kind of like doing update posts like these, so maybe I'll do them more often from now on. Looking forward to finishing this year with a sense of purpose and satisfaction!
In my last blog post, I discussed the importance of being assertive and disregarding others' opinions. However, there is an extremely fine line between standing up for yourself and being rude. Today I had an experience with the latter, and while it was quite alarming, I still learned a thing or two that I'd like to share.
During art class, right after lunch, I was chatting with friends, working on a new project, and generally just doing normal art class things. I like the class a lot because the atmosphere is very supportive and people are always commenting with helpful tips on how to make something better. I appreciate the feedback, but if I don't like something, I usually respond with something along the lines of "That's an interesting insight" and thank them for the comment.
The girl that sits next to me (who I will refer to as Whilona) was doing a painting involving random squirts of paint on a canvasboard that were all mixed together. Whilona was never a person I looked up to in artistic talent or morals, and while at times she was annoying, I did not quite hate her. I glanced at her work and mentioned that I thought she could add some more white paint in a certain area (to achieve a greater sense of balance). She muttered something back that I didn't catch, so I repeated my comment. I was shocked when she snapped back with something to the effect of "You know what, I don't care about what you think." Perhaps I should have felt hurt, or angered. But the overwhelming emotion I encountered was confusion.
Was my comment that mean? Was my tone of voice too harsh? Perhaps I said something else that wasn't very nice? The suddenness of it all left me with no response. I shrugged it off and continued in my work. A few moments later however, she got up and practically yelled in my face, "If I want your opinion, Carol, I'll ask for it," and stomped away. I was quite taken aback. I left class ten minutes later extremely confused and also in a bad mood.
I discussed this strange occurrence with another friend not long after. She suggested that Whilona might have just had a bad day and was sensitive to criticism. To me, it still seems like an unjustified overreaction, but at least I know not to ever talk to Whilona in art class anymore. More importantly, I will remember that it is very easy for the moods of others to affect my own mood, so I should stay away from sour people.
Most of all, while it is good to be assertive, doing so does not come at the expense of being polite. The concept of a boss "bitch" is not a standard. There are many ways to say "no" to someone without offending them. The person that you're interacting with who may come off as rude might be experiencing a bad day as well. It is always a good idea to be considerate, and always a bad idea to be brusque. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm working towards that ideal.
Sometimes I like to think about my life. No, not in that weird existentialist way. I've had plenty of that. Just mulling over the nuances of all the situations I've been in, the people I've met, the things that make me, me.
I'll be honest. There are times when I hate to be myself. I'm disappointed that I all I've managed to accomplish thus far in my life is that I've proven myself to be slightly above average in intelligence compared to my peers. There are people younger than I am, inventing cancer detection tests, devising solutions to aid the energy crisis, experiencing life in all its vivid potency, while I sit at home and read about them.
But reading about them won't help. Neither will sitting at my desk, doing nothing day after day because the darkness refuses to leave. But those people had their opportunities, circumstances, and experiences. There is no way that I can compare myself to them. The situation I'm in has all kinds of factors that contributed. The depressed person that I am right now is best dealt with as a separate entity; that's not me, and I refuse to believe that I will ever be just that. Sure, life is full of pointless b.s. but it's not ALL pointless b.s. There will come a time when I will be in a better place, have a better state of mind, and feel a greater sense of fulfillment. Right now might not be it, but it will come.
Part of the reason is that I'm scared. The world is a vast, lonely place. There are kind people, but also mean people. There are many problems, both individual and national. Despite this frightening outlook, it is important to take a step back and look at a the situation from a more personalized standpoint. It's not up to me to solve the world's problems. Everyone contributes. One person might not have 100% of the solution, but if 100 people have 1% of the solution, then that's enough. Which is why I'm glad to have opened up to people about what I'm going through, and in turn, found out things about people that I otherwise would never have known. Establishing human connections, and realizing that one is not the center of a desolate universe, gives me the strength to keep going.
Persistence is hard though. Life will continue with or without me. But unimportance is a blessing. I don't have the obligation to do anything that will change the world. That power is alluring, but terrifying. Without that duty, I can live, and live with purpose and verve. I can live a life all to my own, one that is not clouded with other people's judgements, because they don't need to matter. If a relationship must end, so be it. I don't need everyone to love me. Only the ones that matter. It's my life, and I am will decide how to live it.
I accept where I am right now. I know that opinion may change. But I refuse to give up.
It's time to begin.
This was supposed to be a lighthearted post about pancakes and chalk drawings. Really. Oh well.
So I haven't posted anything for a very long time, and there isn't a good reason for that except for the apathy. Even after "good" days, life still seems to be doing a downward spiral. For example, today was a "good" day, but throughout the day, I still found myself thinking, "I don't want to do this anymore. My life is falling apart, and I want to die." Like always, upon reexamination, I am forced to conclude that I do not want to die. I just don't want to have to deal with of the things around me anymore. Everything feels utterly pointless. I don't trust any of the people around me. Nothing makes sense.
But a few days ago, a thought occurred to me that it's ok if everything's not ok. As long as you don't break the law, you can move anywhere and start over again. What is success to me? It certainly isn't settling down in an average house, working a good-paying, comfortable, but average job, and dying an average death. Adventure awaits, and there is only one way to find it – by defying the expectations of society. A picture on one of my favorite Facebook sites (Humans of New York) shows this woman:
This is her caption: "I decided to leave my life eight months ago. Since then, I've been to Finland with a Latin American ballroom dancing team, toured Sweden with a Greek, met some Canadians in Amsterdam to watch the Olympics, and I'm about to head to Iraq to teach social media to soldiers in war zones."
So what if she doesn't make a six figure salary? She's probably done more for herself than any CEO in history. Given the choice of time or money, I can definitely say that I would pick time. In the end, in the last moments of your life, it doesn't matter to you what anyone else thinks. It matters what you thought of your life. Maybe it is satisfying to know that you've founded a business that has employed thousands of people. Or maybe you'd be happy knowing that you lived life with a sense of adventure. Either way, it's your life, and if humanity really will end someday, doing what makes you happy is the only thing that matters to your own self.
I know that might sound selfish, but the only person that truly cares for you is yourself. So do that. Do what makes you happy. If it means being individual and ignoring society so be it. Maybe this is true, or maybe its just teen-sy angst, but I'd rather be true to myself.
That was a really badly written post that turned out a lot longer than I expected it to. Don't get me wrong, I'm still depressed, but that's ok because things will change.
2. I am currently crushing on ThatcherJoe, a British Youtuber who is absolutely hilarious, 
